What Are My Values?

I'd like to get back to political posting/stuff about TV shows and whatnot that I've written before, but it seems right now I'm only thinking of myself. But maybe that's what I should be thinking of before I can really tackle political stuff without anger. 

My therapist told me to think of eating from my OWN values, not from what the doctor says, because doctors only think of the health hazards. It makes me think, but I'm not sure what my values really are. 

For a while there, I was happy to be losing a little weight, but I feel the old obsession coming on, and I don't know if I can lose weight, and be happy about weight loss, without the counterweight of hating my body when I do not lose. Also, part of me isn't sure if I want to lose weight anyway. 

I want to be healthy. Who doesn't? I also don't want to do what experts tell me to do, just because they're experts. Some experts will disagree; some facts are not so indisputable. 

But even if they were - would it be OK to choose to take the risks? Yes, according to my values it would. The question is: do I want to do it? 

I have a feeling deep down that I've never been able to explain. I had this feeling before I got fat in the first place. It's that I'm meant to be fat, and this is how I am at my most happiest. Part of this might or might not be overeating. 

What does that mean? Is it a real thing or just a feeling? Is there a core in me that wants to be fat, and if so, why? Does God want me to be fat? Or do I want to be fat and just make that happen by eating in that way? 

These are possibly questions I shouldn't be asking yet, before I've figured out who I want to be in general. I'm just throwing this out there. 

I'm Actually Getting Help...

I haven't been able to write a full post about all this - maybe it's too emotionally exhausting - but I just wanted to let long-time readers know that I'm actually seeing a therapist who will assess me for possible eating disorder help. I can only see him three times, because he's connected with my work, but he can give me an assessment that might give me actual therapy covered by insurance. I've got all this homework to do about emotions and how to deal with them instead of eating (or feeling guilty, or going on long angry rants in my head). I think it's helping me. He wants me to deal with my feelings, i.e. really feel them, and it scares the crap out of me but maybe it can finally help me heal. I'm very hopeful about this.

It all started when I saw my new work health nurse, and she actually listened to me and took me seriously. We talked about everything else first. I was prepared for a huge anti-fat lecture, but she just asked me, with obvious compassion(!!), "You've circled 'obesity' here?" (They had it listed as a disease, which I hate, but I did circle it, lest they think I'm deluded about it.) I told her everything about my eating and emotional issues. It's odd, it was so easy to talk to her. She got me an appoitnment with the doctor, who got me an appointment with the therapist. The doctor wanted to know my exact weight and height, which I gave, and she didn't give any comment on them. So that was nice. I got an appointment with the therapist the next Wednesday(!!). (The private doctors in Finland have zero queue and you can get in almost anytime. Not so with the tax-funded ones, sadly. I had to wait two weeks when I was suicidal.)

The therapist talks a lot and gives me a lot of homework. On the first meeting, he drew this map of my emotional issues - bullying, my mother's expectations, being bisexual,  feeling different, etc. - and the emotional and physical reactions they cause. It was like he knew me. It was a bit creepy, but then maybe my problems aren't so unique after all?

I also had complete bloodworks done. My blood pressure and cholesterol are good. Big relief there. My blood sugar was a bit high, which was a big concern for me, since my Dad has diabetes. However, in the glucose tolerance test, my readings were well within normal. Diabetes may lurk in my future, but it's not something I can't live with. However, this motivated me to kick my sugary Coke habit. I was trying to eat less sugar before the glucose tolerance test, and I experimented on Stevia, which I liked a lot. I don't think I'm ready to give up candy unless I absolutely have to, but Coke Zero helps me feel like I'm not deprived, and yet it takes away the extra hyperness/fullness I had with regular Coke (which I drank maybe a liter per day up til now). I'm also trying to exercise more, on my exercycle. I'm not sure if I'll ever be big on exercise, but I'd like to at least increase my circulation in the shoulders and legs, to avoid issues that come with a sitting-down job.


I've been very tempted to just go with it and go on a diet, but on a philosophical level, I've gone too far to go back to "fat is bad and diets are good, forever, amen". It's just not the truth about all this. I did lose a little weight; I don't know how much and I'm not setting any weight loss goals or limiting my intake in the name of weight loss. (And I can't even if I wanted to, because my ED always kicks in with a vengeance then.) I like having a tiny bit of my jellybelly off, but I try to remind myself that it might come back, and that's OK too.


Today, seeing my regular doctor - whom I'd never met before and might never meet again, thanks to the changing doctors of Finnish communal health services - I had a worse experience. She gave me a cortison shot for my possibly inflamed hip, and while she didn't do the "OMG UR SO FAT" routine, she did act in a way that I found rather annoying. She told me I should try running. I asked if running is a good thing for an "overweight" person (I try to come on their level, maybe I'm just sheepish). She said, "Well if you're overweight then you should lose it!!!!" and told me that running is a good weight loss exercise and "You should shed the extra weight at a young age, so you won't have problems later". She seemed young and overeager and very anti-fat. I didn't start a fight.

In general, she wouldn't stop talking, and I feel like she didn't listen to me at all. (Incidentally, there was recently a study published about how doctors really genuinely don't listen to patients. Encouraging.) I had mentioned my eating disorder issues, but she obviously didn't think that's a reason to be silent about my weight. Either way, I don't have OMG Hip Replacement Surgery coming, it's just a local inflammation. So that's also a relief. All in all, my health is good. I'm happy about that.

I feel proud of having come out with my issues, but it also had to do with the nurse who really did listen and have a conversation with me. Sadly, not all health professionals are the same, but once you have a way in, maybe things will get better. Wish  me luck?

Et Tu, George Takei?

Star Trek veteran George Takei has been posting all sorts of civil rights things on his Facebook of late. These posts - or reblogs - show that he's not only for gay rights (he is gay himself), but also for feminism and women's reproductive rights. Lots of people, myself included, have come to admire him over this. He's not a young guy, and it's not self-explanatory that he'd be feminist, since he is not a woman. A lot of guys don't seem to give a toss about feminism, because it's not about them.

But today I see that he's reblogged someone's idiotic post.

"It's a disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad." 

Takei adds insult to injury by adding,

"And not everyone should wear skinny jeans, I might add." 

Yeah, we got it, fatties look bad in skinny jeans.

What a disappointment. For those who think it's a harmless joke, consider what it's really saying. Let's de-wittify this statement a bit:

It's a disaster when I have to look at people I find unattractive, especially in clothes that show off their body shape. 

Yes, how awful. Poor you. Seeing fatties - and this probably mostly means fat women - in tight clothing is tough, and surely you've been badly traumatized by it. If only we realized how bad we look to others and stopped flaunting our fat.

What's the real difference between this and statements like "gays need to stop flaunting their sexuality all over, kissing and holding hands in the street. I don't need to see that!"?

I don't think there is a difference. I think the only reason someone like Takei can post this is that liberal mainstream culture is pro-gay, but anti-fat. Fat is not seen as a civil rights issue yet, and thus most people aren't going to look beyond the mainstream media's view. Fat is bad, fat is ugly, these are the facts, fatties have to accept it. Even many feminists think in this way.


So how accepting is George Takei really? Is he someone who truly thinks about oppression, or is he just adapting to the culture and taking the causes given to him? If you're openly gay, you're probably openly pro-gay; it's a bit more daring because he's a celebrity, but it might not require a great sense of empathy. There's a lot of fat hate in the gay community, but if he truly was a feminist ally, he'd be able to look past that. Right? Of course, everyone's a dick about something, and no one has a grasp of all the issues at once. The reason I don't feel like cutting him any slack here is that he raised the bar and made us believe he's truly accepting and  empathetic. He created an image of himself that he apparently can't live up to.

The fact that it's so laid back, such a joke to him, somehow makes it even worse. It's like he can't even imagine that someone might take this offensively. It's just a given, fatties look bad in skinny jeans, and look at the amusing juxtaposition of skinny and obese, ha ha.

His response to this fallout will determine if I respect him even less, or even more than I did before. But the chances that he actually apologizes and takes down his post are slim, or in fact - pun intended - skinny. If he does this, he is a true ally and really thinks about this stuff. I will admire him again.

If he says "Oh lighten up and have a sense of humor", it shows he doesn't care about fat people's feelings, or women's feelings in general, at least when it comes to attractiveness. Lots of otherwise tolerant people buy into the beauty ideals and reinforce them in their own lives. This would be very disappointing, and I'd stop reblogging anything he says, no matter how acceptant.

If he says "This isn't a civil rights issue because fat people just choose to eat too much", like Ricky Gervais said, it shows he hasn't given any thought to fat acceptance, or indeed fatness, beyond what the mainstream media has to say. This is a form of ableism, and an excuse to keep saying bad things about fat people, since it's just a choice. It would show that he despises fat people. I'd hate him if he did this, truth be told. I still love Ricky Gervais' shows, but I haven't been able to forgive him for saying that.

If he says "Oh sorree for not liking the sight of others' bulging fat rolls," with a possible mention of the diabetes risk etc., it's worst case scenario. This is the Dan Savage way: call your readers lardasses and tell them fat is unseemly, like that's some kind of proven fact. I doubt Takei would be this crass, but everything is possible.

This has shaken my faith in humanity - well, maybe that's slightly dramatizing it, but it definitely shook my faith in celebrity allies. Most of them step in it at one point or another. I was disappointed in Stephen Fry earlier, but at least he was hating on himself, not other people. He didn't make a joke out of other people's fat, and I respect him still, largely because of that.

So is Takei a true ally or a frenemy? Only his response will tell.

Ups and Downs

TRIGGER WARNING: eating disorder thoughts (and possibly behaviors, but mild ones) Thought I'd post an update in the interest of writing all this down a bit, and being honest to myself. If someone wants to weigh in on what sounds eating disordered vs. normal - if it's even helpful to think in those terms - you're free to do so. If this post interests no one, it's still helpful for my own recovery to read back on it later. I feel a bit embarrassed to write so much about myself, for some reason. I'm hoping to gain some courage to see a doctor about this, too. On Friday the 18th, I found out my cat is well. A huge relief came out of this. I'd been having a lot of symptoms on the days before that, and virtually nothing on the weekend, so I have to conclude that my worry over the cat - which was a lot stronger than I had assumed, judging by the relief - had made my ED thoughts worse. Perhaps it's easier to focus on your body size than your cat's possible illness? Osku had a mole, of all things - I was certain it was a tumor and I only hoped it was benign. The days after that went by in an almost blissful state. I was just super relaxed. Last Thursday, I went shopping for a new dress with my friend, who is also fat. We found so many possible ones. Maybe there are more sizes available nowadays? It was a huge issue in Finland about five years back to find a size 20, so I was very encouraged by this. We also had big sundaes at the ice cream bar. I felt normal and beautiful, even princess-like in the dress I bought. It's perfect for me. One of the salespeople tried to push black dresses on me, and I had to tell her "no black, please". I bet she thought I'd look fat in the other colors, but I absolutely wanted blue. The one I finally got was baby blue, my favorite shade. Due to all this, I was feeling really well for a few days. I still had some self-hating thoughts, but they weren't overwhelming. I ate a lot of food, but I enjoyed it, and the prospect of weight loss didn't seem awfully threatening, given that I had many new items of clothing, and could still fit into new sizes if I gained more. My feeling of being somehow larger than life had, if not vanished, at least been alleviated. I might want to spend more time with fat people, I mean ones who don't constantly apologize for their fatness like my mother. My friend isn't die-hard FA, but she's not scared to discuss weight, and is very natural about it. However, this past weekend I found myself slipping back to the ED thoughts a bit. Yesterday, it was a lovely summery day and I decided to go out into the park. I enjoyed the sun, the ducks, the trees, etc. However, after a while, I began to feel thirsty and a bit dizzy. I was going to sit on a bench but then I thought no, I can't sit on a bench if I sit down all day, I'm not that bad of a fatty. I made myself walk a bit further, and felt quite sick when I got home. The actual amount and intensity of the exercise wasn't so great - maybe 45 minutes of leisurely walking - but the mood in which it was done was not good, and it ruined my pleasure of the park. I came home feeling like I could and should have done more. After this, I had lunch: tortillas with ground beef, lettuce and cherry tomatoes. I really enjoyed it so I had three of these, which made me feel like I might not be able to stop. I remembered reading that your appetite winds down if you eat something sweet, so I took out some ice cream and spooned that in until I felt quite sick. The amount wasn't big (maybe half a bowlful), but I obviously ate more than felt comfortable. I'm not sure if that was a binge or just a well-intentioned but failed experiment. Maybe I would have done better with some fresh fruit? Maybe it would have been OK to have a fourth tortilla? The exercising mood struck again in the evening, when I exercycled - again a short while, maybe a mere five minutes, but there was an intense need to DO SOMETHING about my weight. It was a rather aggressive feeling. I was able to divert from this into doing some cleaning. Today, I got on some weird health kick and thought I have to buy the cholesterol-lowering margarine, even if I don't know what my cholesterol is. It just suddenly struck me that I might have high cholesterol, and I ate some oat bread with the cholesterol-lowering margarine, no toppings. This is not a bad thing, per se, but I felt like having cheese and was scared to have it. So the high from finding the dress lasted three days. What brought it down? I can't really tell. I have some stress related to my job and my future, getting a new part-time job and leaving one I hate. It makes me feel a bit out of control. Maybe I'm also reacting to a lowering in my meds (I've had odd nightmares and mood swings). So I can't control my job situation or my moods; could that make me feel like I can't control my eating? Maybe it's a diversion from the real issues. Also, it seems oddly like exercise triggers me worse than food does. I'm sure as hell not going to sit inside all summer just because of that. Maybe I need to focus on the things around me while walking, or listen to some music, or go out with a friend who can distract me so it doesn't FEEL like exercise. I thought of making a little schedule for exercising, like "I will exercycle each evening for 20 minutes". If I do that, I can do it even when I'm NOT in a self-loathing mood, thus making it more about a routine, like brushing my teeth. I don't brush my teeth because I'm an OMG fatty who eats sooo much sugar. I brush because it's good for my health. I could try the same with the exercycling.

Question: Fat Acceptance / Eating Disorders

I'm just throwing this out there. This is an idea that rose out of reading on Binge Eating Disorder (which I might in fact have, based on the symptoms) and my anxiety at the thought that I have it. If I do have Binge Eating Disorder, and this is why I'm fat, does this mean my body is "sick" this way? I don't mean health risks, I mean is my body the "wrong" way, "unnatural", and something I wouldn't have if I weren't sick? In other words, if I have BED, can I still accept my body as it is?

To Be Honest...

I'm not so sure I'm fine. I just panic-exercycled because I've been eating so much. I'm not sure if it's the antihistamine I've been taking, but I eat all the time lately.

My panic thought is always the same: Toby loves me even if I get bigger, and I can buy new clothes and I can adjust to being bigger but WHAT WILL MY MOTHER THINK?! I CAN'T SHOW MYSELF TO HER LIKE THIS.

I wish I had like a year when I don't see my mother* and can just be as big as I am, and screw what everyone thinks.

Is my problem inside my head, or inside my mother's?

Should I exercycle more? Exercise is not bad. Exercise is good. Yet if it's self loathing, it's bad. I may not be able to separate the two.

* this is not a wish that she would die, I feel like I have to add, lest I jinx it. Also she loves me and helps me out in many ways, but this weight thing is just... bad.

When It's Bad

I realized I haven't blogged in a while. In the interest of making the blog more real and gritty, I will publish something I wrote to myself in March when I had a relapse. It was really mostly a mental thing, although I did exercise a lot for a few days, just in the frenzy of losing some weight, and made myself really miserable. The mood I was writing from was extremely restless. (I had grown out of a shirt recently, so the side fat felt like the worst thing in the world. I have to smile at "sidefatty ball of lard who can't fit into any clothing", but it's also really dead serious when I'm feeling it.)

TRIGGER WARNING for eating disordered thinking patterns. I hope publishing this is helpful and not harmful to others. It's useful for me to read this stuff sometimes, just to remind myself where it can go if I let self-loathing take over. I should probably add that I don't have an eating disorder diagnosis and don't know if I'm more borderline, ED-NOS, or something. But maybe it doesn't matter.
---


I feel the old, cold presence inside me; it's a restlessness under the surface. It says "lose weight lose weight lose weight". It doesn't matter how, it's a question of what must be done, as fast and efficiently as possible. It's disgusted with me, I'm disgusted with myself, and I feel a temptation I can barely look away from. I want to please this creature - I'm not sure why. I want to stop to think and abolish it, but I also want to plunge in and not care about common sense, no matter what I know about the creature. I want to become one with it, be fast and efficient and SLENDER, not some side-fatty ball of lard that can't fit into any clothing.

I feel I would be redeemed, utterly and finally redeemed, if I did what the creature says. I walk up and down the stairs, determinately, it doesn't hurt it feels good, it feels like coming alive. I think about calories lost, I think I'm doing a good thing to myself here, I'm helping myself here. But I feel restless and oddly removed from other people, alone in a bubble with no one else inside. No one else matters, their view of me isn't important, the only thing that matters is Lose Weight Lose Weight Lose Weight.

I should get a scale. I should get a measuring tape too, and start writing down weights and measures. Just think how fast the pounds will go down, just think how fast I can achieve this, I can become someone else! I'm ready, I'm ready to achieve this and make it real. It will happen soon, it has to happen soon, tomorrow next week next month, soon soon soo I will lose weight and I will look better and feel better and my joints will stop aching and I will be able to run run run, run like a young free spirit, run anywhere, on the street in the woods in my apartment. I can stay up the night on the exercycle, I can do as much as I want. I can lie in bed and still pedal the exercycle with my legs, I can pace back and forth. Anything can be done, will be done.

But I just can't stop eating. I have to be able to stop eating I have to stop drinking Coke. Oh god what if I can't what if I can't? I feel sick thinking I can't, I feel suffocated like I can't live anymore. I don't want to be a miserable disgusting fatty fat fat forever I cannot I cannot I will not. I will not!

My Belly. (And Boobs). For No Apparent Reason. *Not Safe for Work!*

I felt like posting this. I know it's always a bit risky (or risqué?) to post photos of your own body, especially with nipples on. But there it is. I'm probably slightly bigger now.

My body doesn't look enormous to me or anything. Maybe it isn't. It's just... soft and jiggly.

In case you've read before and wonder how I'm doing, I'm OK, I think. Right now I'm eating a lot; it seems to come and go. I'm not terribly depressed. I probably sound down, but it's mostly because I'm taking antihistamines and am just really tired. I'll write a proper report another time.

Food Journaling?

(I'm gonna say TRIGGER WARNING for binging/depression, because this is depressing as hell)

-Ate few pieces of chocolate for fun.
-Read article that had a brief bit about how Finns eat too much sugar.
-Ate more chocolate because I have to eat it, especially if the experts hate it, and they're not taking it away from me dammit.
-Ate cheese noodles.
-Drank Coke.
-Drank more Coke.
-Made pear pie, which made me happy and feel accomplished.
-Ate half of pear pie, which made me feel sick and guilty.
-Felt incredibly tired and depressed. Overpowering urge to drink Coke took over.
-Drank more Coke, felt like I failed at life. Worried I won't be able to stop drinking too much Coke ever. Alarmed that I can't think of anything else that would possibly help my mood.

Am I doing this wrong? I'm mainly hoping for advice from... I don't even know. Just please don't tell me how dangerous and awful it is to eat so much sugar, I know right.

EDIT: this is a particularly bad day, I can sometimes eat with abandon and feel good about it. I always eat less on those days, oddly.

I'm surprised to see my own judgements at sugar and my failed attempt to not drink Coke. I have trouble accepting my Coke-drinking because it seems to be increasing, and also because I worry about my teeth. But am I restricing myself so that I become more and more craving of it?

I get panicky thinking of how fucked up I am, like my self crumbles completely under the notion that my eating is so fucked up. I want it to be OK but I feel like it's not. I hate myself. But my biggest fear is having to give up my freedom of eating, so I guess this is still better than restrictions or is it?

Self-Support.

I'm going to write this just to back up my own feelings, because I need a positive mantra. But I hope it's helpful to some others too.

I'm feeling really down about weight gaining and my mind is full of "OMG 200 lbs", "OMG 40 inches", "OMG huge" etc. messages. In my brain, I know why I'm not fighting my fat, but I need for my emotions to come on that level too.

I do not diet because

...that mindset is detrimental to my eating disorder recovery. 

...for once in my life, I really want to be taken and accepted as I am, and anyone who doesn't can go screw.


..it usually fails, and I could be setting myself up for a huge disappointment.


...I believe fat acceptance is true, and it makes way more sense than the anti-fat mentality.

...I've come such a long way in self-acceptance, and I'd be tearing up everything I've built.

...I'd be letting people down. I'm not a big name blogger, but I know some people get strength from my struggle. There's not that many of us, we need each other.

...heck, because I LIKE TO EAT and I'm only just learning to do it without fear. There's nothing wrong with that!

This isn't helping me right now but hopefully, if I tell myself these things many enough times, I will realize it's really all true, and this is the way I should follow. I just wish I had some peace of mind. Does a lack of peace of mind mean there's something wrong with my values? Or is it just a sign that I'm not there yet?

Or maybe it's just human life, everything is always hard and takes many years of hard work and dedication, and you get there step by step. No matter which way you choose, that's how you find peace.

So how Am I Doing?

Thought I'd write a personal update too, since it's been a while. I've kept my resolution to NOT have a scale, but I did have a measuring tape until very recently, and sometimes used it to see if I was getting huge. Before Christmas, I cut up the measuring tape too. I have cheated twice, once on Christmas Day and once at a friend's house last Friday, and I weighed the same both times; I've gained about 5 pounds but no more. Which is reassuring but oddly, also felt disappointing. Why do I relish the idea of weight gain? Is it my fat fetish or something else?

I've kept eating throughout, and mostly been able to buy and eat foods I haven't allowed myself before. I ate cheese snacks, for one thing. They always make me terribly thirsty and that adds to the feeling of guilt and shame, but I have been able to eat them recently without my mind blaring "OMGBADFOODSOFATTENING", and I enjoyed it. I've eaten a lot of ice cream, even if it's winter. I've made pancakes less often. I had a brief love affair with chocolate cookies, but for some reason, the craving went away after I ate two packages in four days. I haven't even thought of those cookies after that.

My sugar yearning has, surprisingly, somewhat diminished. It might be because I drink so much sugary soda, but I haven't really craved candy in the last few weeks. It would seem like I've begun to eat less - I'm not doing any measuring or counting, but I seem to eat less often and smaller amounts, and food leaves my mind faster. Does a preoccupation with food actually make you eat more? I'm still drinking way more soda and energy drinks than I'd like, but I am very tired and it has the (placebo?) effect of making me perkier.

My thinking of fat varies. Some days I still have thought loops that go "I'm so huge OMG - how can I be so huge - I can't believe I let myself get this big" etc. But I feel like a certain weight has been lifted. It's not a DAILY problem anymore. I feel more able to think about other things, and less focused on "figuring out how huge I am", which was the weighing and measuring. It makes me somewhat calmer. I've also tried to "own" my body - it's my body, it's who I am, it's not a warning example or ticking timebomb. I'm alright. Part of me is really believing this, and it feels like such a relief.

Some time ago, I had an epiphany after watching the movie Bride Wars. I was so angry at this  movie's depiction of a "former fat girl" - just send her some sweets and she'll eat herself chubby and that's bad because you cannot alter a Vera Wang wedding dress - that I started to eat. I took out a Ben&Jerry's and ate it all at once, furiously spooning it into my mouth, thinking "I don't want to be one of those girls! I never want to be like that!" (Meaning a girl who's petty and thinks fat is a disaster, or something.) At some point, I realized I was binging and stopped. My stomach was killing me afterwards - I'm lactose intolerant - but I managed to not feel too guilty. I realized I was eating for emotional reasons.

So the epiphany is - what makes me eat isn't so much sadness, but ANGER. I'm angry with my mother for going on about my weight; I'm angry with culture for telling us we have to be slim or we have a problem. I'm angry with myself for not being a "good girl" who's beautiful and smart in the eyes of this culture. To resist and rebel, I eat fast and furiously, like it's going to undo all that influence and avenge me. This was how I gained weight in the first place, back in 1998 when I'd eat and eat and eat candy and not be able to stop.

After this, I made one rule: don't eat when furious. If I'm mad and I recognize the need to eat, I'll do something else instead - listen to an angry song by Sleater-Kinney, for instance, and sing along. Or pedal on the exercycle a bit. Or write an angry fuming post somewhere. Anything to take down the anger. If I still want the ice cream after that, I eat it with no restrictions.

Wow, this is far more positive than I thought it would be. It would seem like I'm doing pretty well at the moment. I don't know what to do in terms of further recovery; I should probably look into some ED materials and try to heal myself, because I'm still unable to tell a doctor about this. (And I know a doctor might or might not take me seriously anyway.) My boyfriend is super supportive and loving, even with his own issues. Many of my friends have understood where I'm coming from, and I feel like I have a support net. It's always rare to find people who understand that healing may not mean weight loss and a pre-programmed "healthy eating plan", but I have those people.

Also, thank you for all the supportive comments to my last entry - it feels good to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

Andrea on The Big C

The Big C is a Showtime show, like Weeds. It has the same brand of humor and essentially the same premise: suburbia is shaken by one ordinary woman's bold attitude. In this case, it's because Cathy Jameson (Laura Linney) has cancer, and is trying to live life to the fullest. (That's the Finnish translated title. "Living Life to the Fullest". Yeah, I dunno either.) The show is frank about cancer, sex, and any other possible issues. There's farting, and doctors telling patients they have "an awesome rack". There's a teenage boy who just wants to get away from his Mom, and a homeless eco warrior brother.

I have a relatively low tolerance for this type of humor. I can't really stomach Weeds at all, and even my Six Feet Under rewatch was lacklustre. I'm not sure why that is; at age 20 or so, I thought this was the shit:  honest and rude and open about sex. Maybe I'm so used to it by now that it no longer works on me; the rude brand of honesty has been in for quite a while now. It may be getting old. On the other hand, kindness is very imprortant for me personally, and I try to avoid confrontation, so maybe I feel a certain anxiety watching people be rude to each other. Maybe it reminds me of being bullied.

Either way, The Big C has somewhat sucked me in. I really care about Cathy and her family; I think there's a certain emotional honesty here, which isn't always achieved by shows like this. Cathy may be rude and crude some of the time, but she's essentially a kind soul who wants to help people. Maybe that's why the show works for me.

One of the people Cathy wants to help is her student Andrea, played by Gabourey Sibide of Precious fame. I was hoping her weight wouldn't be an issue on a show like this. Could she just be a fat character with no diet story? Apparently, that's a little too much to hope for.

In episode 1, Andrea comes into class late, and instead of being sorry, she makes fun of Cathy's haphzard way of teaching. Cathy calls her up to get her exam and whispers to her:

"You can't be fat and mean, Andrea. Fat people are jolly for a reason. Fat repels people but joy attracts them. I know they're laughing at your cruel jokes but nobody's asking you to the prom. So you can be a skinny bitch or fat and jolly, it's up to you." 

Cathy shows herself to be a class-A fatist here. She means well, but that doesn't make it okay to basically tell Andrea that fat people are repulsive, as if no one thinks otherwise. She doesn't know, she just assumes that no one's asking Andrea to the prom. (I know teenage boys are often scared of dating bigger girls, for fear of ridicule, but still.) It's ironic that she closes with "It's up to you", because her point is that it really isn't. She's saying that being fat puts you in a certain mold where you have to make amends by being jolly. She assumes you can choose to be fat or thin, and thus choose your role. Skinny girls can be kind or mean, but fat girls can only be kind. Instead of giving Cathy hell about this bullshit, Andrea just sighs and goes back to her seat.

Later, Cathy catches her having a cigarette. Perhaps genuinely and perhaps to mock Cathy, Andrea says that she'd rather be skinny and dead than fat forever: "Fat camp didn't work for me." She lists all the diets she's been on and how they didn't work. This I liked, because that's how it is for most fat girls. Of course, the show gets minus points for the idea that she just wants to lose the weight and would rather smoke than be fat, but it's realistic at least. At this point, Cathy makes her big offer: she'll give Andrea 100 bucks for each pound lost. "Well I guess this skinny bitch is up for it," says Andrea happily. Oh, groan.

I realize what's going on here: Cathy wants to save Andrea. She says as much in another episode: "I just don't want you to drop dead before you graduate." Andrea responds gleefully: "Way to dream small, Mrs J!" It bugs me that this idea is never questioned. Andrea has to lose weight or she will die. She accepts this, as does everyone else. Yet we're not looking at a person literally lying on her deathbed, unable to move. She can walk, jog, ride a bike, go to school normally, and there's no indication that she has any health problems at the moment.

So what's wrong with helping her lose weight? Well, for one thing, Cathy cannot guarantee that the weight stays off. She doesn't know why all the other diets failed; she doesn't know if Andrea is eating disordered. What will happen if Andrea doesn't lose weight permanently? Will Cathy be super disappointed in her and blame her for not working hard enough? Won't that just harm Andrea's self esteem? There are all kinds of things Cathy isn't considering. Motivating someone to diet is a huge responsibility, and Cathy's too focused on her own life changes to really be there for Andrea. Majorly bad idea.



Slim white teacher tries to help fat black student. I'm not going into the racism discussion here, but this seems quite familiar.



What's worse is that Andrea starts off badly - she has gained two pounds.

Andrea: "Fuck that shit, I've been starving myself."
Cathy: "Don't say fuck. And don't starve yourself, that always backfires." 

(This show tries to cram as many "fuck"s as possible into each episode.)
So we have here a slim woman who knows about dieting. She must, or she wouldn't be so slim, right? Andrea, who's been on all those diets, doesn't even know that you mustn't starve yourself. But really, can you blame her, when she's being PAID to lose weight? Of course she'd like to lose as much as possible right away. She probably needs the money. Cathy tells her to walk, "to school or whatever, just WALK!" Andrea says, "I think another bikini season will pass me by." Cathy claims, "The bikini is harsh on us all." Yeah, easy for you to say, slim. You can walk down the beach in a bikini without people laughing.

The most aggravating scene follows: Cathy spots Andrea - eating chips. "What are you doing?" she exclaims. Andrea gleefully explains that she walked all the way home and got hungry, "you told me not to starve myself." EXACTLY. Cathy basically just told her to eat. But of course, the fat girl will combine walking with eating "junk food", thus ruining the effect of the walk. That's what us fatties do!

Cathy's brother Sean jumps in and tells Andrea that she's a product of a "gluttonous society". It's not a personal judgement, I'll give him that, but. Fat=gluttony, even if you're saying it's the whole culture and not just the fat person, is still "low thinking" in my book. There's worse to come: "Our excess is killing you!" She's not dying, people. At least Andrea takes it calmly, with amusement, although I wouldn't have minded a little anger here.

Cathy grabs the chips and tells Andrea it's not nourishing, "you should be eating something your body knows how to burn off, like a fruit or a vegetable". Oh dear. Chips may be fattening, but they're not completely without nutrition, and isn't potato a vegetable or something of the ilk? It's not like she's eating candy with nothing but sugar and chemicals. More importantly, even if she did choose to eat pure sugar and chemicals, that would still be OK. She should be able to choose her own food. This "save the fat girl from herself" bullshit needs to stop.

Of course, when we next see Andrea, she's walking and drinking a slushie or soda. "What are you doing?" "Excercising!" This time, Cathy throws her drink down on the ground, in the street, in front of everyone. Way to humiliate the fat girl. Andrea demands to know why. "Because I like you, Andrea." So because you like her, you limit her choices and bribe her to diet? Cathy's a buttinski of the worst kind, but of course no one calls her on it because diets help fat people.

Also infuriating: Cathy invites Andrea for a dinner party and offers her pigs in a blanket. "You can have one," she says, "just don't have three." In front of the other guests, she says that. How nice, so you offer her food but tells her how much she's allowed to eat.

Cathy's husband Paul (Oliver Platt), who is fat but not as big as Andrea, keeps making remarks about his weight in the same vein. E.g. "I'm a big guy, my heart could explode at any moment". When they see Cathy's doctor, he tells him first thing: "What's going on in here, you've got a heart attack in there with your name on it."

I'm not necessarily mad that this type of behavior is shown. It's realistic. People assume all the time that fat people are going to die, and they treat fat people in a humiliating way, but do it with a smile. What I'd like to see is one of the writers to realize that there's a thing called fat acceptance; that some fat people live long healthy lives; that fat people can also be happy with their size, etc. Is this too much to ask?

In the spirit of the show, Andrea is not meek and gentle but tells Cathy some truths as well, but they're never about this. So while Andrea's eating habits are under constant scrutiny, Cathy's meddling and concern trolling are just seen as "caring".

An issue glossed over on the show is that Cathy is rich, and rich people have an easier time eating wholesome foods. Despite what Sean says about a "rich and gluttonous society", fat is the "problem" of the poor more so than the rich. There was one episode where I got hopeful; Andrea is jealous of Cathy's affair with a black man, so she tells her she has it easy. "Try growing up in the ghetto and having to go to drive-thru for breakfast because your Mom used your grocery money on her morning fix." This was a step in the right direction, but then it was botched, because turns out Andrea is lying! She's the youngest of six children, her parents have a house almost as big as Cathy's, they're obviously loving, etc. So much for any social criticism re: food distribution in the ghetto.

Andrea is at least expanded (pun intended) beyond this point and becomes a friend of Cathy's, but it's hard for me to overlook this aspect. Every time she comes on, I start cringing: no more diet talk! This is a good show, and Gabourey Sibide is awesome, and I'm glad she's getting roles. I just think that with her talent, she deserves a role where her weight is NOT an issue. I find myself asking: why can't the protagonist be fat? Why can't the woman with cancer, the everywoman suburbian mother who's been nice too long, be fat and learn to be proud of it? You could take this who-cares attitude, this spiky type of humor, and bring in fat acceptance. Or you could have a female character for whom weight is not an issue. I'd like to see them battle that taboo.

EDIT: I'm adding this, because I just thought of his scene. Andrea goes jogging and sees Cathy's son Adam. "Stop staring at my titties, I'm trying to jog!" she says, completely confidently. Adam claims he's seen bigger. "Bet you haven't touched them though," says Andrea. "No, so?" says Adam. Andrea asks him to touch hers, and when he doesn't do it, she takes his hand and lays it on her boobs. Adam's face shows that he's turned on.

I did like this scene, because Andrea is being openly sexual and unphased by a boy, who might or might not like fat girls. She isn't diminishing her sexuality because of her weight. Of course, it's slightly ruined by the fact that she's motivated to work harder because of a cute black guy. Also, one might make the case that this scene presents fat (and black?) women as sexually intimidating. So we've got mixed signals here, but I liked Andrea's spunkiness. She doesn't go around assuming people couldn't find her attractive. More of this, please.