Sad and Tired
13 years ago
Monday, May 14, 2012
Question: Fat Acceptance / Eating Disorders
I'm just throwing this out there. This is an idea that rose out of reading on Binge Eating Disorder (which I might in fact have, based on the symptoms) and my anxiety at the thought that I have it.
If I do have Binge Eating Disorder, and this is why I'm fat, does this mean my body is "sick" this way? I don't mean health risks, I mean is my body the "wrong" way, "unnatural", and something I wouldn't have if I weren't sick?
In other words, if I have BED, can I still accept my body as it is?
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Self diagnosis is a trap. You may have BED, or you may have some other anxiety disorder that's attaching itself to food. Or there may be something else going on. Whatever it is, it's causing you distress and that's a sign that you need to reach out to someone you can trust.
ReplyDeleteThe questions you're asking aren't productive, and there is probably no answer that would calm your anxiety. Your body is your body. It can be affected by illness, of course, or disruptions in the body can give rise to anxiety.
What your body is NOT is 'wrong'. Accepting your body in all its wonderfulness is more likely to lead you out of anxiety, than anything else. But if you're starting to have thoughts going round and round in your head, you may need someone else to help you out of that trap.
If a psychologist or counsellor isn't possible, is there someone else in your life you could speak to? Could you get a referral from a doctor to see someone? This is not because you're sick or wrong, but because it sounds like you're in distress. You need a circuit breaker for your brain, and talking to someone might be the most helpful thing you can do.
Keep posting online and let people know how you're getting on. If the worst comes to the worst, there are some decent people here in cyberspace who can talk you through some of these issues - but, truly, none of us are a substitute for a real life person.
(But you are real people, right? I don't want to get bogged down in this but I don't consider online contact any less real than offline contact. Of course, it's not a substitute for *professional* help.)
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should try the professional way. The problem is with paying for it and finding someone who understands overeating, without the pressure to instantly go on a diet and start going to "weight control" meetings.
The best thing for me, when I was diagnosed with depression, would have been to establish a long-lasting therapeutic relationship. But I'm lucky to even have gotten 20 sessions with a really good therapist.
Private therapists cost about 80 euros a week, something I can't afford. My parents are in denial about my eating disorder, so they won't help. But it's possible there's still something I could do if I dared try. I'm a bit scared of that.
It's true, I'm going around in circles about this and it might be something I just can't sort out on my own. Self-diagnosing is iffy also because the sites contain more information than I'm ready to take at the moment, so my mind becomes exhausted with the effort.
Thank you and everyone for the support :* *hugs* It feels good that I can talk about this without judgement.
I don't know if I had full-blown BED, but I was caught in the diet-binge-guilt-diet cycle. Hirschmann and Muenter's _When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies_ and _Overcoming Overeating_ really helped with that. It's scary as hell and can involve some weight gain, but I am at peace with food today -- and that is worth it!
ReplyDeleteJon Robinson wrote a great post discussing BED on the ASDAH site: http://healthateverysizeblog.org/2011/08/05/the-haes-files-part-of-the-problem-or-part-of-the-solution/
Professional help would be wonderful, but finding a good therapist that doesn't push weight loss is HARD. The problem with most professionals is they think that deprivation is still necessary, making the BED worse.
If you can get to see someone, don't build barriers before you've spoken to them. Most decent professionals would focus on the anxiety and would probably see the body image stuff as part of that, rather than seeing it as a signal that they should put you on a diet. Also, it's possible you don't have problems with overeating at all, but with anxiety or depression. If your issues are overeating, then a professional could open a door to the right resources to help with that.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the healthcare system is like in Finland, but if you can't afford private therapy, your doctor might be able to prescribe you sessions with an allied health professional, from a psychiatrist to an eating disorder specialist, that would be covered under the healthcare system.
It takes a lot of courage to ask for help of this kind. Don't make it worse in advance by building up a picture of stigma and rejection in your mind before you've tried it. You may actually find sympathy and relief waiting for you. And if anybody did try to push something inappropriate on you, you can always get up and walk out and go find someone else.
And yes, I'm a real person. I'm happy to email back and forth to you and I'm sure other people are as well.
My big concern is the level of anxiety and distress you are expressing. When you (or me or anybody) starts to spiral downwards, thinking that is very pessimistic can seem realistic and bring you down further. These dark thoughts about whether your body is broken are not reality and maybe once they're released there could be something really fantastic around the corner for you.
Binge Eating Disorder isn't considered unhealthy primarily because it can lead to weight gain (which it doesn't in many people; the distribution of weight among people being treated for Binge Eating Disorder is roughly similar to that among the general population, per researchers), but because it is psychologically stressful and can put a strain on the digestive system.
ReplyDeleteA good eating disorder specialist should offer weight-neutral treatment options for Binge Eating Disorder. I mean, yeah, if you're diagnosed with it and you pursue a successful treatment plan, you might lose weight. Or your weight might stay the same. But you don't want to work with someone who focuses on your weight; rather, you want to work with someone who will help you change behaviors that cause you pain and distress. Weight, after all, is not a behavior.
And equating illness with feelings of being "broken" or "less than" is an easy trap to fall into in our ableist society, so I have tremendous empathy for you. On the other hand, if someone else you loved told you that they had (or thought they might have) an illness and were seeking treatment, would you think less of them? Or would you honor them for meeting a significant challenge head-on? I bet it would be the latter, yes?
The very best to you whatever you decide about whether treatment for disordered eating is for you. You are a precious and valued person right now, no matter what health challenges you may be facing.
So I am someone who has recovered from BED, and who lives in a very fat body. All eating disorders can cause chronic health problems depending on how long someone was actively symptomatic and how severe the symptoms, their genes, other health issues and behaviors, etc... Anorexics, for example, are at a higher risk for osteoporosis. Bulimics can end up with severe dental issues or cardiac problems.
ReplyDeleteI definitely slowed down my metabolism due to years of yo-yo dieting and bingeing. I am sure I weigh much more than I would have had I not had my eating disorder. When I first started to recover, I was really distressed because I thought that I HAD to lose weight in order to be "healthy", but I would have to diet to lose the weight, which would totally trigger my BED - it was a vicious cycle and made me feel really bad.
Once I discovered the HAES(SM) approach to taking care of myself, I understood that I did not need to be thin in order to be "healthy". It allowed me to improve my physical activity and nutrition without focusing on weight loss and triggering BE symptoms.
I totally accept my size/body AND see myself as "healthy" and recovered from my BED. And the older I get the more I see that lots of things we have experienced - sports, accidents, stress, chronic illnesses - make changes in our bodies.
All of which is to say that IMHO yes, you CAN decide that you have BED and at the same time accept your body. And if you decide you want to recover from BED you absolutely do not need to actively work on changing your body size. Hope this helps, and Best of luck!
Hello! Yes, I can relate. I think self diagnosis is fine as long as you are able to grow from this.
ReplyDeleteRather than fixating on whether the label is accurate for you, I think it is far more important to question whether you feel you have a problem? More specifically, do you feel like you use food to numb or cope with difficult feelings and situations? It does not matter how much or what type of food you are eating but how you are using it.
Personally, I think using food to cope with emotions is more of an issue than the weight gain resulting from BED. Using food or overworking or any other substance will only temporarily numb feelings. These feelings are being suppressed and will eventually come out... trust me!
Also, I think a good therapist can help with self healing but I do not think it is mandatory. I did most of my healing privately.
Different things work for different people. For me, I have found spending time alone, giving myself permission to eat whatever I want (i.e. I stopped labeling food as good and bad or allowing myself to feel shame after eating "too much"), actively living my life and reading ALOT has helped.
You can do this. Best wishes.
Thank you everyone for the kind words and support <3 <3 I don't have energy for individual responses today, but I'm reading what you all have said, and it's very encouraging.
ReplyDeleteSeveral people have told me to step away from reading BED sites, so I will for a little while. I'm also dealing with my cat's tumor and vet visit this week, so I'm trying to not think about this in the coming few days.
I'll think more of what you guys have said and ponder on this. I do feel more encouraged to see a doctor and discuss my options. It feels soothing that at least many others know what I'm going through.