So how Am I Doing?

Thought I'd write a personal update too, since it's been a while. I've kept my resolution to NOT have a scale, but I did have a measuring tape until very recently, and sometimes used it to see if I was getting huge. Before Christmas, I cut up the measuring tape too. I have cheated twice, once on Christmas Day and once at a friend's house last Friday, and I weighed the same both times; I've gained about 5 pounds but no more. Which is reassuring but oddly, also felt disappointing. Why do I relish the idea of weight gain? Is it my fat fetish or something else?

I've kept eating throughout, and mostly been able to buy and eat foods I haven't allowed myself before. I ate cheese snacks, for one thing. They always make me terribly thirsty and that adds to the feeling of guilt and shame, but I have been able to eat them recently without my mind blaring "OMGBADFOODSOFATTENING", and I enjoyed it. I've eaten a lot of ice cream, even if it's winter. I've made pancakes less often. I had a brief love affair with chocolate cookies, but for some reason, the craving went away after I ate two packages in four days. I haven't even thought of those cookies after that.

My sugar yearning has, surprisingly, somewhat diminished. It might be because I drink so much sugary soda, but I haven't really craved candy in the last few weeks. It would seem like I've begun to eat less - I'm not doing any measuring or counting, but I seem to eat less often and smaller amounts, and food leaves my mind faster. Does a preoccupation with food actually make you eat more? I'm still drinking way more soda and energy drinks than I'd like, but I am very tired and it has the (placebo?) effect of making me perkier.

My thinking of fat varies. Some days I still have thought loops that go "I'm so huge OMG - how can I be so huge - I can't believe I let myself get this big" etc. But I feel like a certain weight has been lifted. It's not a DAILY problem anymore. I feel more able to think about other things, and less focused on "figuring out how huge I am", which was the weighing and measuring. It makes me somewhat calmer. I've also tried to "own" my body - it's my body, it's who I am, it's not a warning example or ticking timebomb. I'm alright. Part of me is really believing this, and it feels like such a relief.

Some time ago, I had an epiphany after watching the movie Bride Wars. I was so angry at this  movie's depiction of a "former fat girl" - just send her some sweets and she'll eat herself chubby and that's bad because you cannot alter a Vera Wang wedding dress - that I started to eat. I took out a Ben&Jerry's and ate it all at once, furiously spooning it into my mouth, thinking "I don't want to be one of those girls! I never want to be like that!" (Meaning a girl who's petty and thinks fat is a disaster, or something.) At some point, I realized I was binging and stopped. My stomach was killing me afterwards - I'm lactose intolerant - but I managed to not feel too guilty. I realized I was eating for emotional reasons.

So the epiphany is - what makes me eat isn't so much sadness, but ANGER. I'm angry with my mother for going on about my weight; I'm angry with culture for telling us we have to be slim or we have a problem. I'm angry with myself for not being a "good girl" who's beautiful and smart in the eyes of this culture. To resist and rebel, I eat fast and furiously, like it's going to undo all that influence and avenge me. This was how I gained weight in the first place, back in 1998 when I'd eat and eat and eat candy and not be able to stop.

After this, I made one rule: don't eat when furious. If I'm mad and I recognize the need to eat, I'll do something else instead - listen to an angry song by Sleater-Kinney, for instance, and sing along. Or pedal on the exercycle a bit. Or write an angry fuming post somewhere. Anything to take down the anger. If I still want the ice cream after that, I eat it with no restrictions.

Wow, this is far more positive than I thought it would be. It would seem like I'm doing pretty well at the moment. I don't know what to do in terms of further recovery; I should probably look into some ED materials and try to heal myself, because I'm still unable to tell a doctor about this. (And I know a doctor might or might not take me seriously anyway.) My boyfriend is super supportive and loving, even with his own issues. Many of my friends have understood where I'm coming from, and I feel like I have a support net. It's always rare to find people who understand that healing may not mean weight loss and a pre-programmed "healthy eating plan", but I have those people.

Also, thank you for all the supportive comments to my last entry - it feels good to know that I'm not the only one going through this.