Tuesday, May 8, 2012

When It's Bad

I realized I haven't blogged in a while. In the interest of making the blog more real and gritty, I will publish something I wrote to myself in March when I had a relapse. It was really mostly a mental thing, although I did exercise a lot for a few days, just in the frenzy of losing some weight, and made myself really miserable. The mood I was writing from was extremely restless. (I had grown out of a shirt recently, so the side fat felt like the worst thing in the world. I have to smile at "sidefatty ball of lard who can't fit into any clothing", but it's also really dead serious when I'm feeling it.)

TRIGGER WARNING for eating disordered thinking patterns. I hope publishing this is helpful and not harmful to others. It's useful for me to read this stuff sometimes, just to remind myself where it can go if I let self-loathing take over. I should probably add that I don't have an eating disorder diagnosis and don't know if I'm more borderline, ED-NOS, or something. But maybe it doesn't matter.

I feel the old, cold presence inside me; it's a restlessness under the surface. It says "lose weight lose weight lose weight". It doesn't matter how, it's a question of what must be done, as fast and efficiently as possible. It's disgusted with me, I'm disgusted with myself, and I feel a temptation I can barely look away from. I want to please this creature - I'm not sure why. I want to stop to think and abolish it, but I also want to plunge in and not care about common sense, no matter what I know about the creature. I want to become one with it, be fast and efficient and SLENDER, not some side-fatty ball of lard that can't fit into any clothing.

I feel I would be redeemed, utterly and finally redeemed, if I did what the creature says. I walk up and down the stairs, determinately, it doesn't hurt it feels good, it feels like coming alive. I think about calories lost, I think I'm doing a good thing to myself here, I'm helping myself here. But I feel restless and oddly removed from other people, alone in a bubble with no one else inside. No one else matters, their view of me isn't important, the only thing that matters is Lose Weight Lose Weight Lose Weight.

I should get a scale. I should get a measuring tape too, and start writing down weights and measures. Just think how fast the pounds will go down, just think how fast I can achieve this, I can become someone else! I'm ready, I'm ready to achieve this and make it real. It will happen soon, it has to happen soon, tomorrow next week next month, soon soon soo I will lose weight and I will look better and feel better and my joints will stop aching and I will be able to run run run, run like a young free spirit, run anywhere, on the street in the woods in my apartment. I can stay up the night on the exercycle, I can do as much as I want. I can lie in bed and still pedal the exercycle with my legs, I can pace back and forth. Anything can be done, will be done.

But I just can't stop eating. I have to be able to stop eating I have to stop drinking Coke. Oh god what if I can't what if I can't? I feel sick thinking I can't, I feel suffocated like I can't live anymore. I don't want to be a miserable disgusting fatty fat fat forever I cannot I cannot I will not. I will not!


  1. thank you so much for your honesty here. many, many of us have slip ups and relapses into old disordered thinking. I have named the inner critic who talks like this above Bloopy and when Bloopy acts up I do several things... if im in a hurry I say, "STFU, Bloopy!!!" or I let Bloopy write a letter and then I write her back explaining how what she is thinking and saying makes no real sense and also I see Bloopy as a sad and upset 5 year old and I hug Bloopy and tell her she is powerful precious, beautiful and loved... any and all these have helped until the storm passes. I hope they help you, too. ( I named her Bloopy because the name is just so silly it makes me laugh and it disempowers the part of myself who for so many years was a monster three stories tall and insurmountable in its loathing).

  2. Ah, that letter idea sounds pretty col! Maybe I should try it. It reminds me of the depression-aversion technique of trying to think something positive whenever bad thoughts arise.

    Bloopy is a great name for that, LOL! :D When you make something laughable it's not as scary. (Just see Harry Potter.)

    Thank you so much for sharing this! It might be quite helpful.

  3. I've been wondering why you'd been so quiet, and I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling so badly.

    Relapses happen, unfortunately. I had a minor one myself a few days ago; I got busy with work-related things, and when I got hungry, not only did I not eat, but I caught myself thinking some pretty scary stuff, much like you did, and severely restricting my food intake. (This happened, somewhat ironically, shortly after I realized that I had recently lost weight; the outfit that I wear for my community choir's performances is now fitting a little more loosely than it did when I bought it four years ago.) On the occasions when I catch myself falling into the old "Hey, your body already carries a supply of energy all the time, so you really don't need to eat now," trap, I'll often write down what I'm thinking and then make myself eat something small that will tide me over until I'm in a less messed-up frame of mind: a cup of tea and a bit of toast are usually helpful, for example. (Not least because I can never resist a good cup of Earl Grey.) And when I'm done, and when my usual frame of mind has reasserted itself, I look back at what I wrote and actually take out my red pen and "correct" my thoughts, almost like marking an essay. (Gee, can you tell that I'm a teacher? *grin*) I don't always keep those "corrected essays," but I find the whole thing to be very therapeutic, and it reminds me that when I'm relapsing, I'm not in my most logical frame of mind.

  4. I wonder if both gaining and losing weight triggers ED responses? I remember a friend telling me her anorexia began with some accidental weight loss, and she felt "I can lose more!" and ended up going down 20 pounds during the summer.

    I should try these logical writing exercises. It seems like my logic and everything I've learned about FA just disappears when I'm in that frame of mind. Like, "wtf was I thinking? I'm huge! FA doesn't apply to me anymore!" <- makes no sense, because I frequently reblog pictures of 300+-pound ladies on Tumblr and find them courageous and beautiful. (I'm about 205.)

    Again, thank you so much for your support :* :* I feel touched that I got so many compassionate responses. (And so far, no negative ones. Whew!)