I realized I haven't blogged in a while. In the interest of making the blog more real and gritty, I will publish something I wrote to myself in March when I had a relapse. It was really mostly a mental thing, although I did exercise a lot for a few days, just in the frenzy of losing some weight, and made myself really miserable. The mood I was writing from was extremely restless. (I had grown out of a shirt recently, so the side fat felt like the worst thing in the world. I have to smile at "sidefatty ball of lard who can't fit into any clothing", but it's also really dead serious when I'm feeling it.)
TRIGGER WARNING for eating disordered thinking patterns. I hope publishing this is helpful and not harmful to others. It's useful for me to read this stuff sometimes, just to remind myself where it can go if I let self-loathing take over. I should probably add that I don't have an eating disorder diagnosis and don't know if I'm more borderline, ED-NOS, or something. But maybe it doesn't matter.
I feel the old, cold presence inside me; it's a restlessness under the surface. It says "lose weight lose weight lose weight". It doesn't matter how, it's a question of what must be done, as fast and efficiently as possible. It's disgusted with me, I'm disgusted with myself, and I feel a temptation I can barely look away from. I want to please this creature - I'm not sure why. I want to stop to think and abolish it, but I also want to plunge in and not care about common sense, no matter what I know about the creature. I want to become one with it, be fast and efficient and SLENDER, not some side-fatty ball of lard that can't fit into any clothing.
I feel I would be redeemed, utterly and finally redeemed, if I did what the creature says. I walk up and down the stairs, determinately, it doesn't hurt it feels good, it feels like coming alive. I think about calories lost, I think I'm doing a good thing to myself here, I'm helping myself here. But I feel restless and oddly removed from other people, alone in a bubble with no one else inside. No one else matters, their view of me isn't important, the only thing that matters is Lose Weight Lose Weight Lose Weight.
I should get a scale. I should get a measuring tape too, and start writing down weights and measures. Just think how fast the pounds will go down, just think how fast I can achieve this, I can become someone else! I'm ready, I'm ready to achieve this and make it real. It will happen soon, it has to happen soon, tomorrow next week next month, soon soon soo I will lose weight and I will look better and feel better and my joints will stop aching and I will be able to run run run, run like a young free spirit, run anywhere, on the street in the woods in my apartment. I can stay up the night on the exercycle, I can do as much as I want. I can lie in bed and still pedal the exercycle with my legs, I can pace back and forth. Anything can be done, will be done.
But I just can't stop eating. I have to be able to stop eating I have to stop drinking Coke. Oh god what if I can't what if I can't? I feel sick thinking I can't, I feel suffocated like I can't live anymore. I don't want to be a miserable disgusting fatty fat fat forever I cannot I cannot I will not. I will not!
Sad and Tired
5 years ago