(I'm gonna say TRIGGER WARNING for binging/depression, because this is depressing as hell)
-Ate few pieces of chocolate for fun.
-Read article that had a brief bit about how Finns eat too much sugar.
-Ate more chocolate because I have to eat it, especially if the experts hate it, and they're not taking it away from me dammit.
-Ate cheese noodles.
-Drank Coke.
-Drank more Coke.
-Made pear pie, which made me happy and feel accomplished.
-Ate half of pear pie, which made me feel sick and guilty.
-Felt incredibly tired and depressed. Overpowering urge to drink Coke took over.
-Drank more Coke, felt like I failed at life. Worried I won't be able to stop drinking too much Coke ever. Alarmed that I can't think of anything else that would possibly help my mood.
Am I doing this wrong? I'm mainly hoping for advice from... I don't even know. Just please don't tell me how dangerous and awful it is to eat so much sugar, I know right.
EDIT: this is a particularly bad day, I can sometimes eat with abandon and feel good about it. I always eat less on those days, oddly.
I'm surprised to see my own judgements at sugar and my failed attempt to not drink Coke. I have trouble accepting my Coke-drinking because it seems to be increasing, and also because I worry about my teeth. But am I restricing myself so that I become more and more craving of it?
I get panicky thinking of how fucked up I am, like my self crumbles completely under the notion that my eating is so fucked up. I want it to be OK but I feel like it's not. I hate myself. But my biggest fear is having to give up my freedom of eating, so I guess this is still better than restrictions or is it?
Sad and Tired
13 years ago
It's not the sugar you're eating, it's the caffeine in the Coke you're drinking. It's highly addictive. Your story is a very common one, if that makes you feel better. The problem is, Coke has sugar in it as well, which causes rapid blood sugar changes - peaks and troughs, which leave you needing more sugar, as well as more caffeine. It plays havoc with your adrenal glands.
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong with chocolate OR pear pie and congratulations on making one. Pear and blueberry cake is my absolute favorite, that I have every other day when it's at the coffee shop. But the Coke could be interfering with your enjoyment of those things.
This probably isn't a food or a bingeing issue. It's a straight up, well-known problem with Coke. Google Coke or Coca Cola addiction and you'll see the problem.
I want to emphasize this - it is NOT your eating or your mental state. You are not craving it because you're fucked up or you have poor self esteem. It's a sign that your body is working perfectly that this is happening - this is what Coke does to some people. It is a very, very real problem. Google some stories and you'll see.
Don't let the damn stuff interfere with your chocolate!!
My big concern would not be about the sugar, but about the fact that eating this way for an extended period of time means you're missing out on getting enough variety, and also on foods that are actually going to be filling and satisfying on many levels.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the cheese noodles sound kind of good :)
I don't know if you're looking for advice, but my standard advice would be to 1) go on a media diet and stop reading articles about how bad sugar is for you, because whether or not the information is good, what it definitely is is HARMING you right now, and 2) keep eating whatever it is you are eating now, but have it at regular times of the day (you can start off just having one "official" meal time for a week, and then add on from there. Then pick regular snack times to add it - between one and three, depending on how it works for you.)
3) Last but not least, give yourself unconditional permission to eat whatever you want. Eating chaotically for a while, and existing off chocolate and coke and cheese noodles, is not going to kill you. You might feel tired or run-down, but if you give yourself permission to go through this stage until you have regular eating patterns set up, THEN you can move on to deciding "what" to eat. Ultimately, the goal would be to eat nourishing meals (where nourishing is NOT code for low-calorie, low-fat, or "food that tastes terrible") while incorporating all of the foods that you like just for fun - Coke, chocolate, etc. Eating both types of food is way better nutritionally, than eating all of one or the other.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm a little concerned about you, not because of what you're consuming, but because of certain sentiments that you've expressed.
-Ate more chocolate because I have to eat it, especially if the experts hate it, and they're not taking it away from me dammit.
...
-Ate half of pear pie, which made me feel sick and guilty.
-Felt incredibly tired and depressed. Overpowering urge to drink Coke took over.
-Drank more Coke, felt like I failed at life. Worried I won't be able to stop drinking too much Coke ever. Alarmed that I can't think of anything else that would possibly help my mood.
...
I get panicky thinking of how fucked up I am, like my self crumbles completely under the notion that my eating is so fucked up. I want it to be OK but I feel like it's not. I hate myself. But my biggest fear is having to give up my freedom of eating, so I guess this is still better than restrictions or is it?
I've never met anyone who wasn't fucked up in one way or another. So if nothing else, you're in plenty of good company. :) But it's not helpful to you to keep harping on yourself about how messed up you are, how you feel you have to eat chocolate to thumb your nose at the experts and not because you actually want to eat chocolate, or how much Coke you're drinking. You're being very hard on yourself, and that seems to be contributing to the problem.
I know it's been several months since you threw out your scale, but even so, that doesn't erase the time before that in which you restricted your food intake, and I think it shows in the way that you're afraid of losing your freedom to choose what you eat. Is there some way that you can reassure yourself that this is not going to happen that doesn't involve consuming substances that, because of the way you think of them, seems to be triggering your self-loathing?
Recovery from a harmful eating pattern is difficult and frustrating at times, and there's no need to hate yourself. I know we don't actually know each other, but through your words on your blog, you strike me as being an intelligent, thoughtful sort of person, and the fact that you're doing your best to beat your eating disorder despite all that you're feeling, and despite everything we fat people are erroneously told about ourselves every single day, is nothing short of admirable. You do have worth. You are a good person. No amount of sugary foods and drinks can change that.
Is there a particular reason why you think you're drawn to drinking Coke in particular? I'm asking this because it seems like drinking Coke seems to be your biggest trigger for acting and feeling this way.
*hugs again*
Anonymous: You may well be right, and I've heard of some people having withdrawal symptoms when they went off Coke for a while. I certainly can't go a day without lately. What I worry about right now is that if I go and read on it, I will simply get panicky and guilty about it. It might even make me drink more Coke (see my reaction to the article mentioning sugar).
ReplyDeleteActually, I'm gonna throw this out to Michelle and anyone else with experience on food weirdos: would it be helpful for me to deal with my possible Coke addiction, given my mental state, or would it be better to just drink it for now and deal with it when I'm on a better base with eating in general?
It does feel good to think that my body is reacting to it normally though. It's so easy to think I'm just GREEDY for wanting more of a KIDS' DRINK etc. etc. Maybe I can deal with that information first and make some modifications, like cut down on it first and thus end the cycle a bit.
The pear pie turned out really good. It's just a huge portion for one person. But then I'm trying not to count portions.
Michelle - On the days when I have work, I tend to eat more regularly. Today was Sunday, and I was home all day, which seems to lead to a broken rhythm more easily. Maybe I should establish a lunchtime - the main meal over here - and just eat some kind of meal then. I've always been bad about snacking. I don't know if it's a mental coping mechanism I learned early on; Mom said when I was in hospital at age 3, I was always asking for more food. The nurses said it was about safety. What worries me about this is that it's such an instinctive thing, I dunno if I can really give it up. Or is it never too late?
I actually try to avoid such articles, but sometimes it sneaks up on you. Or maybe I was deluding myself and thought I'm getting BETTER here, so I can take more now. It depresses me that I still react like this, but maybe it's good to recognize what you can't take.
The good side of my rethinking of food, which obviously didn't happen today but has been happening more and more frequently, is that I've been craving and eating veggies. On some days, I've had many pretty healthy snacks, and maybe I can expand on that. Sometimes I just can't handle the preparing and thinking it takes to make a meal. Come to think of it, maybe that's part of my problem. Like I fear giving food so much POWER that I'd actually take time to prepare a tasty meal.
If I could afford to eat out every day, I probably would. I'd have a good variety of food then, and tasty food. I'm not sure if that's a problem with my poverty or my cooking inabilities.
Zillah, awww *hugs* I.. sniff. I'm hard on myself. I'm not really sure why, it's been like this forever, and you're right, it takes ages to break it. I'm not sure if the food fuels my self-loathing or if the self-loathing fuels the eating, or both. The only thing that works seems to be distracting myself.
ReplyDeleteI know most people wouldn't even think I have an eating disorder, so it feels really good to hear someone actually admire me for trying to recover. My mind resists this ("oh you think you're such a tragic figure?") but maybe I should try to see myself more from that direction.
I'm not really sure about Coke. It was not so widely drank when I was a kid. It was a drink we had at parties only. I never had it in the fridge in my childhood home, and the change in culture has really come within the last ten or so years. Everybody drinks soda now, except for the elderly and the middle-aged, who detest it. Most people think it's SO BAD for your teeth especially, and that's perhaps the only reason I worry about it. Or maybe it's because of so much negative talk about it, I don't know. Finns seem to view sugary soda as a particularly "evil" product. Or is that worldwide? It's weird how it's been given so much power.
My Coke drinking used to be "in control" in my own view until I got depressed and started to use it to feel perkier. For a while, I was doing both Coke and energy drinks, but I've managed to cut down on the latter because of a changed work situation. (I used to work in a really boring job and needed the jolt, but I was concerned that I was consuming more and more energy drinks.)
I guess I class Coke differently since it's a "drink" and therefore I can cheat on my rules by trying to limit that, or being more guilty over it. Maybe that's harmful for my recovery.
Sounds to me like you're making very thoughtful and considered choices that are right for you. I like reading your blog - the very mature way that you realized that there was a link between some styles of eating you do and anger made me examine my own emotions around food.
ReplyDeleteI know about the Coke thing because I had a friend who went through much the same thing. It's not pretty - giving it up can give you headaches and make you feel lousy for a few days.
Only you can know if now is a right time to give it up or not, and maybe Michelle has some suggestions.
I will add, though, that lots of caffeine washing through your system isn't that great if you're prone to anxiety, because it will magnify the anxiety. You said that you felt compelled to drink Coke and you also felt tired - that's Coke doing its work.
Like I said, though - YOU ARE NORMAL. YOU ARE NORMAL. Coke does this to people. I HAVE SEEN IT.
I envy that you can bake a pear pie. I can't do that. It sounds like you've got a great skill set an the new orientation towards veggies sounds great as well.
To my untutored ears, you seem like you've put your feet firmly on the path of good mental health. Maybe think of this as a science experiment in what makes you feel good, what makes you feel bad, what makes you feel in control. Everything is just your body reacting with hormones and regulators and chemicals. So take the emotion out of it - your body's not being emotional, it's just reacting like a normal, healthy body. Watch it at work, the way you've been doing, and it will continue to tell you surprising and interesting things.
Awww, I'm so glad my blog helps others think of their emotions with food! I've been really fucked up about food for over ten years, but maybe if it helps others - and I also get out of the emotional slump - it might be worth it.
ReplyDeleteI often feel so tired, which can itself come from too much sugar and caffeine, but I seem to worry about not making it through the work day if I don't drink some Coke first. I probably need to give some more thought to the moments when I feel triggered to drink more Coke and perhaps cut down at stages, like drinking less and then taking days off it.
Maybe it would be helpful to think more in terms of short-term consequences and less like "I WILL GET DIABETES BECAUSE I HAD THIS GLASS OF COKE." Or something. The emotional and physical reactions aren't permanent and are just a normal body reacting to things... Yeah, that could actually work. I think my relationship with food is still somewhat moral, good food/bad food, indulgent/in control. That causes me to feel like I'm TAINTED when I eat something "bad", and that for some reason makes me eat more of it. I can tell the cycle starts there, but it's hard to break. Hmm.
It's really not that hard to bake a pie. I looked up a recipe online and followed it. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit though, maybe I really have a natural knack for it. I should definitely cook and bake more. I just wish I had someone to offer it to. My cat was keen, but I was worried about his delicate stomach and only gave him a crumb. (Which he loved.)
Ditch the moralizing. That doesn't help anybody.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't just crush you emotionally, it doesn't help you understand what's going on either. This might not be your thing, but I find thinking about my body's reactions like a science experiment has really helped me. My body is not good or bad (well, actually, it's pretty amazing, if I say so myself), but it's not good or bad in a moral way. It's a system, that runs on chemical signals. Take an interest in those signals.
Creating a pie makes you feel good? What a great, clear signal! Make more pies.
I can't make a pie, by the way. Or maybe I could, but it seems like a big challenge. So don't blow off your own achievement.
You'll find people to offer it to. Take it to work. Very few people can resist home made pies.
I remember going through similar cycles when I first decided to go for intuitive eating. If you're like me, you will feel out of control for a little while, but you need to stick it out, because it will pass. I had to stop reading certain websites and message boards because they triggered guilt about giving up dieting. Once I stopped reading things that I already knew were triggers, it became easier.
ReplyDeleteAs for the Coke, if you don't have issues like diabetes to deal with at this point, I think you should just drink it when you feel like it at this point. Trying to limit it or replace it right now is clearly triggering other issues for you. Don't read about it, and just give yourself permission to have it when you want it. Once you feel more secure that your body will tell you what it needs, you can think about drinking more water or juice or other beverages *if you want to.* Take care of your teeth by brushing and flossing and getting regular checkups if you can, because that's doing the best you can with what you have.
Personally, Diet Dr. Pepper is something I don't think I will ever give up.
Yes, that might be the best way for now. At least it will stop the guilt cycle and help me be calmer about it. Then I can look into the Coke addiction thing and deal with it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had the free therapy for depression, my psychologist didn't really want to go into the eating/weight thing. He said I'd be able to deal with it once I feel better in general, and it would fall into place. It kind of sounded like the intuitive eating idea. I felt really good when I said I don't want to "eat healthy" just because society tells me so, and he said, "What kind of life would that be?" I wish I could talk to him now. He understood me so well.
Maybe Coke is just the last hurdle on my way of de-guiltifying food. I need to release myself to it. Or something. My ideal is a person who just enjoys food and doesn't really THINK about it all the time, yet I seem to fear just that. Like it's going to RUIN MY LIFE and immediately give me diabetes or something if I did that. It's weird how we worry about giving up control.
Hi Deniselle! I've been there - I did kick the Coke after practically living on it. I drank almost nothing else for so long, but I realized if I ate out, I could enjoy those fancy glasses of water [mostly ice] with a twist of lemon. So I started off with at home with a fancy glass, lots of crushed ice and a lemon wedge and eventually I replaced all the 16oz glasses of Coke I was drinking with water. After a couple of months without it, you realize it doesn't taste as good as you thought and it's much easier to stay away from it. Whatever you do, don't switch to a diet soda - that's even worse for your health. [Did kicking the Coke habit help me lose weight? Nope. But I feel better not drinking it.] As for chocolate - no one will make me give up my chocolate ever. I won't even try.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard AND scary it can be. If food journaling triggers you too much... then don't do it. I can't recommand enough the steps to intuitive eating from ellyn satter (giving permission, centering breath, paying attention for 1 minute of each mouthful, then for two minutes, not trying to control your intake because you THINK you should stop, but when you had enough...) I feel as scared and depressed as you with my food intake these days but you know, it's part of the old diet mentality. Some tiny voice somewhere is still telling you that OMG FATZ, YOU ARE GETTING FATTER, BAD BAD YOU... it's very difficult to overcome. But be gentle on yourself. This, and everything every body said above. You can't make up for refraining from drinking coke for so many years in a couple of days. It will even out, ever so gradually. <3 hope, love, gentleness for you. <3
ReplyDelete..Weird, I thought there were three new comments. If you don't see your comment here, please resubmit!
ReplyDeleteI must say I'm feeling so much better reading all these responses. I was so broken last night, but today I really felt pretty good!
Jen: We'll see. I feel less panicky about the Coke today, like I can just drink it for now and see later how I aim to go with it. I've had diet Pepsi addiction too, and I do think it's worse for me because of all the additives they put in it. Coke doesn't even have syrup here, so it must be less bad for you (or so I tell myself). But the point isn't how "bad" it is, but to allow myself this now and work on it later when I feel calm. If I don't ever kick it, then I will live my life drinking Coke and that's fine too. I don't think anything good ever comes from making choices while panicky, those decisions don't tend to stick.
Anonymous: Awww <3 Hope, love and gentleness for you too :* It's way easier for me to be nice to others than myself. Others can do anything. I have empathy for pedophiles and terrorists and whatever, but if I get fat? O.o That's unforgivable!! It's strange how we're socialized to do that. Or maybe it's just my depression/self esteem problem doing this?
Well, I didn't exactly refrain from drinking Coke before to be honest, it's been on the rise for a few years now. But maybe the guilt has made me drink more of it, and relaxing will allow me to think of what it does to me. Like "I feel sick after eating this many glasses, I'll have less tomorrow", instead of "OMG I HAD SO MANY GLASSES I HATE MYSELF" and crying hysterically, like I did yesterday.
Just found your blog and this is the first post I've read, I'm about to go back and read the rest because wow, you sound SO much like me!!
ReplyDeleteI don't do the coke thing, but I do do the chocolate thing. I'm working on the intuitive eating thing too and so many of your thoughts are the same as mine. Turns out 25years of dieting mentality/disordered eating can't be gotten rid of quickly and easily.
I am trying to focus on one thing at a time. At the moment for me it's breakfast. I now eat it, and most of the time its a good nutritious meal. Instead of celebrating this success though i bash myself up about what I eat the rest of the day.
I gave myself permission to eat chocolate about 6 months ago, and I always have it in the house now. It got to the stage where if my husband didn't find it, I could have it last a month. Last week we ate two blocks and I'm busy bashing myself up for my "weakness" and all the "you broke it" comments are in my head. This is so darn exhausting!
I like the idea of a media fast though, I think I need to do that. If only I could fast from certain friends and family members too!
I love reading your thoughts, especially that last paragraph of your reply above, that's insightful and I'm going to try it too :)
Aww, thank you! :) I'm so glad my thoughts sound helpful to you.
ReplyDeleteAnd amen to that fast from certain family members... :D My Mom in particular. If she's not going on about my weight, it's her own or my Dad's. It's like she's obsessed with weight. I sometimes wonder if she doesn't have a closet eating disorder or something.
I think I recognize that "instead of celebrating myself, I fret about the rest of the day" thing in myself. It happens especially with my society-related concerns. Feel OK about the concern trolls? Fret about the "fat is ugly" people, or the other way around. It's like I'm looking for reasons to be depressed. Is that the eating disorder mindset or is it depression? This is going slightly off topic re: food, but I think the self-loathing tries to get at you in another place when you sort out one thing. However, if we go one thing at a time, maybe we can beat it on all fronts? We just gotta hope!
This isn't making you feel better so no, it's not better than a diet (or restrictions or whatever you want to call it). When you find a balance of food that works right for you, it isn't really like losing control one way or another. You eat until you're full, you eat more when you've exercised more, and the food keeps you feeling good in general. When working with a nutritionist I found that my mood improves dramatically when I eat meat and only meat for breakfast. So now I do that, have a lunch based on vegetables and fruits, and more meats plus some carbohydrates for dinner. It keeps me full and mostly I just feel better and healthier. This isn't about pounds or calories, it's about feeling your best. Try to find what works for you!
ReplyDeleteAnd tell me about your pie! How did you do the crust? I do 2 cups of flour to 1 cup fat.
The whole point is to learn the balance on your own, first through overeating and then through calming down. So this is what I'm hoping will happen with time. I'm going to give it say a year, and if things don't drastically improve and I'm still overeating, I'll have to think about other ways. At this point, I don't want to connect food with exercise in any way (exercising more or less depending on what I eat), because to me that smells like a dieting mindset, not a general wellset mindset. I have a hard time exercising (lifelong aversion, not any physical impediment), but I live closer to town now so I have more incentive to walk. I do think it makes me feel perkier.
ReplyDeleteThat's fascinating about meat for breakfast. In Finland, we don't generally eat a big breakfast, but we eat a warm lunch. I've noticed it's very different in many other countries. No one has meat for breakfast here. I wonder if it'd give more energy for work if I did? But what works for you might not work for me. Hmmm.
Heh, the pie is stirring up a lot of interest! ;) I used 1 dl sugar, 2 or 3 dl flour (I think it was 3), two eggs, 1 dl of melted margarine, and 1 tea spoon of baking soda. The pie was good but slightly dry as I only had one pear :D - I should make it again now that I bought several more pears! (Also I think the batter tasted better before baking.)
It took me about three months to go from 'have to eat the whole bar of chocolate NOW NOW NOW' to 'eh, chocolate, I'll have one piece and put the rest in the cupboard'. I found I had to have permission to overeat to eat normally. As to fizzy drinks... I try not to drink them if I'm thirsty, because they're really not thirst quenching. I'll have water and then some fizz for the taste, and usually it's only a small glass (4oz or less).
ReplyDeleteThe whole eating thing is still a process for me. I do have days where I won't eat much, and then panic thinking 'oh God I'm restricting again', but I recognize that some days I just don't want to eat much, and it doesn't mean I'm lapsing, just that I'm not hungry for some reason. Likewise if I want something, I have it. I tend to go for smaller portions, because I have permission (from myself) to go back for more. And sometimes I don't go back for more, and sometimes I do. There's no wrong way to do this! Just keep trying. It'll work itself out, and when it does, you'll feel accomplished and fabulous - just as you are.
It would seem like that happened to me with some foods already and not with others. I have days when I eat quite little and pay little attention to food, and others when I really indulge and enjoy it. So that's all good. I do find I get tired of some treats - for instance, I haven't bought Ben&Jerry's in a while. (Of course, it's been cold out and B&J is super expensive in Finland. But still.)
ReplyDeleteThat "fizz for the taste" thing actually could work. Sometimes when I'm thirsty I have water first, but then I get the urge to drink more Coke. I'll have to find a balance with that. But maybe it's not so very important to !not drink Coke!, and I should focus on the peace of mind instead. I need to start doing breathing exercises again. Just caaalm. Sometimes I find that reading stops the anxiety cycle, because it focuses my mind on the story rather than my ISSUES. So that's one thing to try too.
Also, thank you. :* I hope I'll get there.