I'm not so sure I'm fine. I just panic-exercycled because I've been eating so much. I'm not sure if it's the antihistamine I've been taking, but I eat all the time lately.
My panic thought is always the same: Toby loves me even if I get bigger, and I can buy new clothes and I can adjust to being bigger but WHAT WILL MY MOTHER THINK?! I CAN'T SHOW MYSELF TO HER LIKE THIS.
I wish I had like a year when I don't see my mother* and can just be as big as I am, and screw what everyone thinks.
Is my problem inside my head, or inside my mother's?
Should I exercycle more? Exercise is not bad. Exercise is good. Yet if it's self loathing, it's bad. I may not be able to separate the two.
* this is not a wish that she would die, I feel like I have to add, lest I jinx it. Also she loves me and helps me out in many ways, but this weight thing is just... bad.
Sad and Tired
13 years ago
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteFrom what you've said, it sounds like your mother's problem still sometimes becomes your own. (That happens; even the most loving and supportive parents aren't perfect and will sometimes do things that hurt their kids, however inadvertently that might be.) I'm sorry if you've mentioned this before, but I can't quite remember if you've ever said whether you've spoken to her about how much this is bothering you. Would it be possible to do so?
Regarding exercise: do you enjoy using the exercycle? If so, I wouldn't advise you to stop it, but I would suggest that you not use it (or not use it much, anyway) while you're in that mindset. But if you don't really like using it, then perhaps you should find something to do that makes you feel good and doesn't trigger these feelings of self-loathing that are causing so many problems for you lately.
If you'd like to talk this stuff out with someone in a way that's a little less public, let me know; I'll friend you on LiveJournal, and we can message each other there. (I go under a different name there, but I'll let you know it's me.)
Just keep in mind that you are a unique and valuable individual, and no relapse can change that.
I had similar problems with my mother. i finally had to sit her down and tell her that she had to stop diet talk around me. im a recovering bulimic and every time she brought up ANY diet stuff...any time she made snide remarks when we ate together, it would trigger my ed and i would binge and purge for months after. I had to tell her i wouldn't talk to her anymore if she kept up the diet talk.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds really tough. I've had to deal with a lot a painful self-destructive legacies from my mother, so I think I know what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion, for what it's worth: the problem started out in your mother's head, but she shared it with you, and now it's in yours, too. You (almost certainly) can't do a thing about the part of the problem that's in her head, but there is hope for your own.
It's such a long, dragging process sometimes that it can feel hopeless, but I think it rarely is.
I am also taking an antihistamine (claritin-d), which has made my brain go in similarly manic circles. The only two things that slow it down or change its direction are exercise (which I have been doing almost too much, need rest day) and studing ancient world history:/ Regarding eating... I have either been so speedy I forget to eat and then my brain really starts goes negatively in circles or exercising makes me feel ugly because everything is harder.... if I do eat, the speed dulls my full feeling. meds might be part of the negative feelings, so looking at positive evidence helps:)
ReplyDeleteyou shoud also checkout Fit Fatties!
ReplyDeleteDear Deniselle; I'm not sure you're ok, too. Do you get help from a therapist? I feel you are panicked, and your sudden rebound of weight loss desire may well mean a more in-depth suffering... You mentioned in your posts that you had a relapse in March. Could it be that it's not totally over? ... of course exercise is good for you, but overexercising after a sedentary period is not. You might hurt yourself. And, it looks like a pattern of compensation. I totally understand what you are going throught, I am in a similar phase of ZOMGMUSTBETHIN, and getting help from friends, family and therapists (free from a nonprofit). It's so tough, especially when you can't slip in your clothes anymore, the MD is telling you that you are letting yourself go, etc etc etc... also, eating what you feel like eating is good, but stress-eating might be not if it's recurring. You mention that you are not really feeling well altogether; that's a sign that the fuel getting into your body and your way to «burn» it is not balanced for you. And, for the moment, trying to tweak this might seem impossible, I know how it is we feel so overwhelmed when it happens... first, you have to give yourself time and get your stuff together. Then,if you can afford-get help, it may be a good idea to do so, in order not to stay all alone with your bad feelings and no toolbox to fix it. Seriously, I'm sending you all kinds of positive energy and hope you will feel better soon. If you'd like to write to me, tell me - I'd send you my personal mail in private. Take care!!!
ReplyDelete*sniff* Thank you so much, guys <3 <3 It feels good that you care about my recovery so much.
ReplyDeleteMy LJ username is deniselleb, I'm also on FB under the (fake) name of Willow Jordan (from Finland, in case there are other Willow Jordans). I may not be fast at responding, but it might be helpful to discuss things more in depth.
I've tried telling my mother how I feel, but she tends to shut down. I.e. "Mom, it hurts my feelings when you say that stuff." Mom (indignant): "Well I didn't MEAN to hurt your feelings! You need to stop being so sensitive, I was only kidding!!" *sulks* She'll stop for a little while, but then come back with the same crap. It's hard and I'm not sure whose fault it is that our communication breaks down here. She's also told me seh doesn't think I have an eating disorder (back when I was trying to throw up after binging), so I got no support there. If I had anorexia or bulimia, maybe she'd be more understanding. But maybe not? I've heard many horror stories about families who just shrug at a diagnosed eating disorder.
At this moment, I can't really afford therapy. My real concern, however, is that I wouldn't get real help, but would have an eating discipline thrust on me ("go low-carb", or "try Weight Watchers", or even just "I dunno how to help but stop this, you're killing yourself"). I worry it might set me back, and that the doctors will hold me accountable to Do Something (i.e. lose weight/stop binging), without giving me any support in getting better. Am I too pessimistic?
The thing about the exercycle is, I do sometimes enjoy it. Other times, I'm just cycling like the wind to get away from the calories I ate (which is a compensation thing,I agree). It's not enjoyable then, and nothing feels like it's enough (not that I ever do more than about 30 mins). I'm not sure if I'll hurt myself physically, since being out of shape keeps me from overdoing it. Or maybe a hectic 30 minutes is bad after no exercise.
If the exhaustion is related to my recent issues with sinusitis, it could help to exercise and get fresh air, but it's hard to get myself to do it. Maybe I have to take it as it comes for now. The good side is that I'm living near downtown now and walk everywhere, so I get SOME exercise daily.
I have a concern with my joints too, as I've been suffering from knee and hip pains, especially on the left. I worry about showing it to a doctor lest I get the sermon about weight loss. But should I just get it seen to? Maybe I could do some exercises to make it better, while I can still function. The pain isn't severe but it's brought some stiffness.
This is slightly going off topic now, but just bringing it all out in the open. The pain and stiffness reminds me that I'm huge and must Do Something (tm), but ignoring it seems hard. I'm not sure how much of it is mental/psychosomatic, and how much is really related to the extra(?) weight.
Fatminie, you know, I might actually still be going through the relapse, now that you said it. I got quite sad after posting the picture of myself and the posts. It felt like releasing something, but also like... I don't know, it made me panicky that I'm really so fat, I eat so much still, etc. So I guess this still counts as a relapse.
ReplyDeleteLet the record show, however, that I am still eating. Although I never know if that's a sign of recovery or a part of my ED.