It's been a week since I threw out my scale. I've been eating freely, stocking up on food, and I've given up all the rules I was taught about eating. Don't have candy and cookies in the house; don't eat every time you feel like it; don't buy something on an impulse. Above all, don't waste food. I've given up on all of that.
The first few days, I had the feeling of a huge weight lifting off me. I felt like I was floating on air, being accepted for who I was. My mind was free to work on what it wanted to; the thought cycles were gone and I felt free and... alive. But the high has gone out somewhat by now. I think I'm giving into the worries and fears a little bit. A part of me is very impatient to eat "normally" and be thrifty and stop this madness. A part of me thinks this is all bullshit and regrets giving up the scale, because I feel like I've gone too long without and need the reassurance. I miss that feeling of control, even if it never once helped me feel better.
Is it normal that I'm still overeating after a week? My appetite confuses me. I had expected some overindulgence on the first couple of days, but still? I get this urge to eat everything all at once and it feels suffocating to be full and know there are more treats than I can possibly eat. I thought the cravings were supposed to stop. When do they stop? Do I just crave until the day I finally no longer question my right to eat? Or maybe cravings are OK?
I'm quite sure I've gained weight, which makes me, frankly, a little bit miserable. On the plus side, I'm at least less miserable than I used to be, because I don't have a scale to stand on over and over, nor am I staring in the mirror all the time. I'm trying to focus on other things, so my mind is somewhat occupied by other things, and the body shifts out of focus. But there's a great temptation to fall into the pit of "I'm so fat and all I do is eat".
I do worry about gaining weight endlessly until I literally blow up. I know it's probably impossible, and I haven't been able to empty my fridge since I started stocking up.
Should it matter how much weight I gain and how much food I eat? What if I haven't even gained weight? Maybe I'm just imagining it, because I fear losing control. But my pants are tight on me, so I suppose I'm not imagining things. I feel like sending people before and after photos and verifying if I've gained weight, in lieu of having a scale. My preoccupation with how big I actually am is a bit worrying. I may have been deluding myself about it before. Until now, I haven't realized how much I really think about it, like my whole identity comes from my size.
I just feel like my body's slipping from my fingers, falling apart like I'm made of sand. I've lost all control. I'm scared to death.
You might be gaining weight. I gained weight for over two years after finding FA. And it leveled off at a much higher weight than I would have felt comfortable with, had I known how much I was to eventually gain.
ReplyDeleteHowever, this society makes ANY weight gain uncomfortable weight gain, especially if you are already fat and getting fatter. We are taught to fear our fat bodies, to fear gaining into oblivion, to pathologize the natural.
Being scared when we break our paradigms is normal. You're doing great and you're going to be fine. You cannot, infact, devour the world. You may enjoy this piece from Kate Harding: http://kateharding.net/2007/08/03/devouring-the-world/
ReplyDeleteI found FA at the same time that I found therapy. I'm a big fan of therapy (pun intended). At this point, it's helping me sort out a lot of the same questions that you're asking- what's "normal eating" for me? Why do certain foods/food combinations/food volumes make me feel a certain way? I wish I could give my therapist to you, she's amazing and so non-judgmental. If you're open to it, I'd recommend looking for a therapist who deals with EDs. I don't know you and whether or not you have an eating disorder (I do), but I think therapists that specialize in EDs have a good handle on how to help people work through food and emotions and such. Again, this is just my experience. I can relate to a lot of the confusion you're feeling, and I hope that things get better for you!
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to gain weight. If you've been dieting for a long time, your body is probably going to end up with more mass than you expected. But it's okay. If you're really worried about your eating, try reading the Fat Nutritionist's blog; she's got a lot of good posts about being comfortable with eating.
ReplyDeleteFocus on making yourself feel good and comfortable with eating. And good luck; it's going to be a hell of a lot of work. But there are lots of people who are out there and willing to help you.
I gained about 30 lbs in the last year since I gave up dieting for good. It's probably too early to say if that's all I'll have gained in recovering from dieting, but it seems to be leveling off. However, I can tell you that I feel like I eat really quite normally now...and I think that's both a reality (in that I no longer have the symptoms of disordered eating) but also perspective (in that some things I thought were "way too much" eating were actually within a normal range of variation in eating). However, if you're anything like me, it is going to take longer than just one week for you to feel secure enough that you won't want to eat everything in sight. Months, I would say. But hang in there! It's worth it! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGive it a bit more time. You've been controlling your food intake for I don't even know how long (I'm here via the Feedburner, and new); it might take longer than a few days to get out of scarcity mode. As you get used to the idea that you will be able to have the food you want, it will get less imperative to quickly make the most of what part of you is likely still perceiving as a temporary anomaly.
ReplyDeleteThat's assuming your analyses are correct---if you've been dieting for a long time, your perceptions of "normal portions" might be off; if you're still having trouble throwing off negative stereotypes or societal scaremongering, worries about lack of control or lack of the "objective" perspective the scale provides might be greater than usual, while you get used to doing without the scale.
If you choose to take on a closer analysis of your eating habits to address these worries, a couple things you could do without interfering with the eating freely are: paying close attention to what, specifically, you are hungry for---what sounds best---which will help if any of your hunger is due to a nutritional shortfall or desire for a specific taste or food experience, because if you want or need something specific, anything else won't be as effective at fulfilling it.
Secondly, trying new things---an exotic fruit, international cuisine, or a gourmet baked good, might short-circuit some of the mental processes surrounding hunger and satiation, and forge new ones. It is also a means of consciously providing yourself with food-for-enjoying, which will reassure and reinforce the concept that you have abundance now. Seeking out new things that you like is an act of caring for yourself, which is likely to help both any supply-related insecurities driving your appetite and your worries about losing control.
Good luck!
Hello, I just wanted to offer you some support re: intuitive eating. It's a process, and it takes a LONG time to get it (I've been working on it for over a decade, and still binge from time to time). Try to remember that, no matter what, it is infinitely better than dieting, and that your body is not going to destroy you if left to its own devices. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteOr you might gain only a little bit. Or gain a lot, and then stabilize at less than that. Or lose. Or lose and then gain a lot. It's pretty much impossible to tell if you don't already know how your body behaves under a given set of conditions. Best I can give you is that you'll almost certainly eventually stabilize somewhere, but you might not know where for awhile.
ReplyDelete(And even then, my set point restabilizes somewhere new every couple of years, seemingly at random, and it can be 40 pounds up, or 30 pounds down, or the same but with fat distributed differently so that I still change pant sizes.)
I wouldn't panic about how much you're eating. It's only been a week, which I get seems like an eternity right now, but is basically no time at all. If you're eating until you're uncomfortably overfull every day, you're going to get sick of it quick (possibly literally).
Or do you think you're actually just normal-full and that doesn't feel normal to you anymore? I have seen from reading other blogs like this on the fatosphere that many former dieters have trouble interpreting their body's signals, so it might take a little while to figure those out.
It takes time. Even when you've resolved to stop thinking in the old and harmful way, and even if it's going well, it does take time to overcome all the old thought patterns. Especially, I suspect, when the old thought patterns are ones that are so frequently supported by this diet-obsessed culture of ours.
ReplyDeleteRemember, it's only been a week since you threw out the scale. It will take time for the cravings to stop; you've practically only just stopped denying yourself the foods you crave. (By the way, I usually find that when I'm craving a certain food, it means that I haven't been feeding myself enough of whatever nutrients, etc. which that food has in large amounts, like craving bananas, a food I actually hate, because I haven't gotten enough potassium lately. Maybe that might be the case for you as well?) And it may be some time yet before you've realized on every level that you actually do have the right to eat when you're hungry. Additionally, your body probably "thinks" that there's another famine coming along sometime, so it's trying to stock up to prepare for it. From your previous entries, it sounds like you'd been holding yourself back from a lot, and I suspect that these cravings of yours will probably subside more gradually than you were expecting. But they will go away eventually, and that matters.
Throwing out the scale is not an easy thing to do. We're so bombarded by the idea that fat is bad, fat is worthless, fat is unattractive, so don't be fat or you'll be all of these things. What you've done is a rejection of this idea: you know that you have worth, and you know that what you were doing when you still had your scale was bad for you, physically, mentally, and emotionally. As for the rest of it, all it takes is time and persistence.
Wow, thank you so much for all the encouraging words! <3 It's really helpful to hear the perspectives of others who have tried this. While a part of me was a bit horrified at the "I gained a lot of weight" comments, another part feels reassured that I will learn to accept the weight gain. Which is what I want. I think that, on some level, I'm ready to gain the weight, or I wouldn't have embarked on this thing. It may not always be comfortable, but it's better than the alternative.
ReplyDeleteThe first couple of days, I was buying a lot of fatty things (cream, heavy meat dishes, etc.) and I feel like I'm a bit over them and want more veggies,mustache, etc. So maybe my body IS driving this boat after all, and wants to steer me into more nutritious directions.
MUSHROOMS! Veggies and mushrooms, not mustache!! :D
ReplyDeleteBut I should probably get used to the idea that I can eat heavy meat meals every day if I want and THAT WOULD STILL BE OK.
ReplyDelete(I just wouldn't digest that very well, so I probably won't.)
Yes, stick with it. It took me a while to not go crazyhogwild and I did gain weight, but it's since stopped and the calm I now feel around food is worth more than I can express. And turn to a good support network during those times when you may panic about the weight gain (which I definitely did).
ReplyDeleteEveryone has already posted wonderful comments so I'll just add that I, too, took a long while to stabilize. I felt that my body was more at-ease with eating a variety and out of "scarcity-mode" (telling me to eat all the delish things I'd forbidden it for so long) within a month or two. Over the past 3 years I've gained a total of about 30 pounds. And stayed stable for over a year now. I won't lie and say every moment is peaches and cream; this society hates on fat without remorse; but overall I feel so much better and less angry all the time at my own body's perceived imperfections that it has been entirely worth it.
ReplyDeleteOne week isn't a very long time to get past years and years of societal programing and pressure. Don't panic. Give yourself permission to eat what you want. Heck, the fact that you're craving a lot of vegetables already is a good sign that you're going to be just fine.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny how when you have permission to eat any darn thing you want, veggies and grains start getting hugely appealing? Yeah, it's because your body generally has a pretty good idea what it's doing when left more or less to its own devices. Ultimately, it wants more of what's good for it than what's bad for it.
So cut yourself a little slack, do your best to relax, and know that every once in a while you will still have a day where you want nothing but cake... AND THAT'S OKAY. Believe me, after you follow that impulse once or twice, chances are you'll have that sort of craving less, and temper it a little when you do.
After all, part of this eating intuitively thing is recognizing how different foods make you feel and adjusting as necessary.
Cravings happen. Cravings are okay. And as time goes on, you'll get a better handle on the best way for you to honor them.
But getting rid of all the guilt and shame inherent in the diet mindset will reward you hugely, no matter what your waistline does in the end.
Follow up on this post and tell us how you're doing. The whole 'trust your body, eat what you want' really, really backfired on me. I put on weight and then some. It wasn't my body 'reaching its set point' or anything like that. I ate too much and it reset my body at a new normal for eating.
ReplyDeleteI wish I'd never done it. There's a happy medium between severe dieting and just doing whatever you want. Maybe you've found it.
To be honest, I really don't know. I'm seeing some changes - like I craved fish this week and didn't feel deprived eating that - but I'm still eating a lot of pizza/burgers/chocolate. Although if I'm truly food positive, I shouldn't say it's a bad thing that I'm eating them.. right?
ReplyDeleteI've also put on weight and it makes me anxious, but it's also a little empowering to keep on despite the weight gain.
The difficult thing is that I haven't actually been diagnosed, and I'm not sure which parts of my eating are "disordered" and which parts are "healthy". Free eating may not be a good fix for everyone, and I'm not sure yet if it works for me.
I'm also changing jobs right now, so I've been quite busy with that life change. Perhaps I'll have more time and energy to think about my eating in a few months' time when work has settled a bit.
Thanks for the reply. Only you can be the judge of your own experience... but my experience was that my body didn't magically settle into wanting what was good for it. I ate lots of things and I told myself that I was eating intuitively.
ReplyDeleteI thought about it later - my cat eats intuitively and she'll eat way too much if she's able to. She's a pretty typical cat - even lions will eat until they're distressed and panting if they're given a chance. Why would humans be any better?
These days I'm back to eating a more traditional way. I don't diet, but I don't let myself run wild either. I truly wish I'd never tried "intuitive eating" - I wouldn't have had to buy bigger clothes.
Maybe that's just me. I'm very interested in other people's experience.
I'm frankly very hopeful that it's going to work for me, because my issues make it anxiety-inducing to restrict. It's very hard for me to juggle the balance between feeling guilty for EVERYTHING I eat - eating all the time. I'm not sure what would help me at this point.
ReplyDeleteI will say, though, that it's freed my thoughts for other things on the days that I felt liberated. If I could make that a permanent state, I have a feeling I wouldn't mind the weight gain so much.