I THREW OUT MY SCALE LIKE A BOSS!!!
I threw out that motherfucking death machine in an act of guerilla warfare.
...Um, Robyn suggested looking at it in war terms, because fighting against an eating disorder is like facing a war machine.
So I did it. It was really hard. I was scared and angry. I shook and felt sick and coddled the scale to my chest before throwing it out. But I was able to do it.
For the first time in 14 years, I feel like I'm on top of the weight anxiety. I'm controlling it, it's not controlling me.
I've never had a diagnosis and I still don't. I don't know if I technically fill the requirements of an eating disorder. But as Robyn said, "Do you need a diagnosis to know you feel terrible about eating, which you need to do to live?"
I guess I don't.
I just needed someone's permission to throw out the scale, because people don't usually acknowledge that a fat girl could have an eating disorder. That it might be better to NOT watch your weight and what you eat.
That maybe sometimes, what a fat girl needs is MORE FREEDOM and less guilt, not the other way around.
So I went to the store today, like a boss, and I bought two packs of Ben&Jerry's Coconutterly Fair. I bought marshmallows, four chocolate bars, a frozen pizza, mayonnaise and white bread, Parmese ham, chicken Kiev with blue cheese potatoes. I'm just going to try the "Fat is a Feminist Issue" method: eating exactly what I feel like, stocking up food home so it's always available when I crave it. Just eating.
There's one rule though: no guilt. Food disappears once it goes in my mouth. No contemplating afterwards on how many calories, what I should ahve eaten instead, whether I've had too many treats on that day. No thoughts on good and bad foods. JUST EATING.
Like a boss.
Sad and Tired
13 years ago
wow you must've looked hilarious buying four chocolate bars. disgusting. Four is so unnecessary. and bullSHIT you have an eating disorder, unless its binge eating. You insult me, and others, who actually fear calories and would be suicidal at a third your size.
ReplyDeleteWhy does my eating disorder insult you? Just because the disorders cause different symptoms, doesn't mean they're not real. It's like you have this idea of polar opposites: eating disorder vs. fatness. One end needs help, the other end just needs judgement and anonymous hate. We're not so different.
ReplyDeleteI've been obsessed with my weight and eating for 14 years. It doesn't matter what size I am. It doesn't matter how many chocolate bars I eat, or don't eat. If I feel awful about eating, I have a problem and I need to heal.
Robyn, my friend who told me to throw out the scale, is/was anorexic by the way. My problems don't insult HER.
I hope you get some help too.
PS. I'm not meaning to eat four chocolate bars at once - unless I FEEL LIKE IT, in which case I will. The idea is to over-stock food and eat it when you feel like it, as much as you like. Eating like this, many people have learned to eat when they're hungry and stop when they're full.
How does calling a fat person buying food "disgusting" help in any way those people who would feel "suicidal at a third" of her weight? Fat hatred hurts everyone, not just the fat people.
ReplyDeleteWell done, Densielle and I wish you success in learning to be a happy eater.
It's great to have lots of food you like at home. Just wonderful. Be prepared to get REALLY excited about it and want to eat ALL THE TASTY THINGS right away while you still have them. It takes a while for it to sink in that you will continue to have tasty things available whenever you want, so don't beat yourself up while you ride through the remnants of "cravings" for forbidden food. Just eat it. It's just food. It's not poison or anything. And to the person who was all disgusted about four chocolate bars, totally eat four chocolate bars if you feel like it.
ReplyDeleteAlso it takes some work to make sure you have everything stocked up. My trick is to go to the grocery store moderately hungry - if I go when I'm not hungry all I'll buy is dry beans and flour, because I'm not in tune with what I want to eat, only what I can afford, and I keep telling myself I'm going to turn into superwoman and start cooking beans and baking bread every day or something. Go moderately hungry, and I get the bread, cheese, eggs, and other convenience foods I like to eat. Now we're pinching pennies and my partner and I find ourselves with a cupboard full of lentils and other pantry stuff that takes a lot of preparation. Convenience food is great... for me. If you have cooking motivation then you may have another experience.
Katy: Yeah, I saw a lot of bitterness in that comment. Like she felt I was taking a recovery that should be hers. But hey, we can ALL recover from guilt and eating problems, right? Thank you for the encouragement :*
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, that's actually an interesting piece of advice. I tend to do that sometimes - go to the grocery store and buy the cheapest food, thinking "yeah, I'll cook every day from now on" and then end up eating at McDo's because I can't and won't cook. It feels good to hear someone say that it's ok and I can buy convenience foods. I do feel a bit over-stuffed right now, but so far, NOT guilty. Which feels just great. Thank you so much for the support! :*
I did this but my source was the book "Overcoming Overeating" (sounds like Overeaters Anonymous but is definitely NOT NOT NOT!). They recommend stocking up on each item at a level of 3x what you think you could possibly eat in a day. Then as/when you eat it down to half of where you had it stocked up, top it up to 3x.
ReplyDeleteIn teaching our brains that we have food abundance again and WILL permit ourselves to eat it, we have to take big, bold, scary steps. Good for you!!
Thank you so much! :* It's really inspiring to hear that others are trying this. It sounds scary, especially since I'm pretty broke. BUT it also sounds like something I've wantd to do forever. I really want to do it this time. And judging by the amount I've been able to eat, it seems to be about right!
ReplyDeleteI haven't actually read Fat is a Feminist Issue, Robyn was just telling me about their methods. I should probably try to get a hold of the book and see for myself.
I've had a lot of marshmallows today. I feel slightly sick. But I do NOT feel guilty, and there was something very fun about eating it. Like I was a child agian, just enjoying candy. I loved that feeling.
I'm sorry, I guess maybe I was just jealous for a second that you were able to go to the store and do those things. I'm trying to get into HAES/reading FA blogs even though I don't belong and even sometimes feel slightly ostracized by certain posters and often disagree with what is being said..the core values are good though, and I'm trying to get on par with it. I dont know why I lashed out at your eating disorder i guess it just seemed absurd for a second but I know that people at all weights can struggle with the same food problems often due to cultural pressures and it would be best if the world wasnt so radically against basically everyone. I liked all your responses to my comment. again, sorry!! and maybe you would be diagnosed as ED-NOS?
ReplyDeleteIt's OK! I figured it was something like that. I've lashed out at people in the past for sillier things. I've always been able to eat everything, but I've had trouble with feeling guilty and craving certain foods, trying to restrict myself and then binging on them, etc. I've also tried to throw up, but haven't been able to, luckily. I think the particular symptoms are really individual.
ReplyDeleteMaybe ED-NOS, yes. It does seem to fit in with my problems, because I usually lack some symptoms while having others. The treatment options seem a bit bleak for ED-NOS, but then it's still a very new thing. I hope I can do a lot for myself with the eating.
I think it's a good thing to keep an open mind and read blogs you don't always argee with. In my experience, control is the hardest thing to let go, so total food freedom would sound daunting to most people, even without an eating disorder. I can see why you'd lash out, really.
All the best! I hope you find a way to feel better.
you can do it i swear to god. I was bulimic for 20+ years. i can tell you exactly the calories in everything i eat if i wanted too...i have lived for years on 500 calories a day, only to binge and puke after weeks of dieting. giving up that restriction is scary.
ReplyDeletebut after a while, you really DO stop craving chocolate and cakes. if you actually have permission to enjoy what you crave, your body doesn't want it anymore. hell im 3 years in and i only crave sweet 3 days of the month, right on time with pms. usually i crave yogurt....or salad....or fruit. congratz on that first step, ditching the scale.
Thank you! :) And it sounds really inspiring that you've been able to give that up. I have a friend who's had anorexia for 23 years (not Robyn, but a Finnish friend who's still very sick). Your story gives me a little hope for her too.
ReplyDeleteIs control what's keeping us overeating? Maybe we really just need to let go of all judgement and all rules.
YES! Throwing out your scale is literally the best thing ever. I made my partner do it while I was at work because I just couldn't handle it (pathetic, I know), but the sense of liberation afterwards was almost palpable. And I haven't weighed myself since, which is about 2 years. :)
ReplyDeleteHey, it's not pathetic at all! You could have kept a scale on the side and never told your partner.
ReplyDeleteThe point is you got rid of it. I hope I'll be able to say in two years that I haven't weighed myself in all that time. I can't even imagine that.
Deniselle, thank you for throwing out your scale. Thank you from me, and from so many other people (fat or no) who still struggle and still are at war with their bodies. Fuck the haters! Every eating disorder is a personal experience. You don't need a diagnosis to know how much hurt you've been through. You deserve to eat what you want, when you want, how much you want and anyone who passes judgment on you because of that should probably take a deep breath and realize that it's not about them.
ReplyDeleteFrom a recent post on my blog:http://www.notblueatall.com/archives/bit-of-a-rant/
A friend recently posed this to me in regards to intuitive eating:
“encouraging intuitive eating while also insisting that processed foods are A-Okay. there are armies of evil scientists working round the clock designing foods that are intended to completely fuck all normal human hunger and satiety signals. how can anyone manage to eat intuitively when they are pumped full of pseudofood-drugs designed to insure they will never feel either genuine hunger or genuine satiety? different foods don’t have different moral worth. but they do have different biological effects. to me it just seems like setting people up for endless frustration and unhappiness, if they continue to attempt to eat intuitively while also ingesting things that make that completely impossible, by design.”
My response:
“We’re talking about teaching intuitive eating to disordered eaters. To help get them started on the path to healthier/healthy eating you must start with the behavior first and then worry about the ingredients. Fish versus fishing, you know? Once a person does actually begin to listen to and understand the nutritional cues their body is signaling then they can start to focus on specific nutrients they need and various ways to get it. It is so difficult to break away from the disordered eating and food associated guilt that I wouldn’t worry about what actual food they are eating yet, they have to start somewhere, ya know? To remove the pretend moral values of food is a near impossibility for some.”
notblueatall, thank you!! :) I feel much better even after a few days of doing this. I'm only now realizing just how much the thoughts about fat have controlled my life. I feel much happier and calmer when I closed the door on them. It wasn't even as hard as I thought it'd be.
ReplyDeleteI'd say your friend sounds a little paranoid about processed food (no offense to him/her). I'll admit, though, that Finnish foods don't tend to be quite AS processed. The argument sounds like a variant of "if you let people eat whatever they want, they will just be out of conrol! O.o" I think that culturally, we're more inclined to follow a regime than trust our own feelings. I guess the idea is that science should control everything we do, since we KNOW so much. But maybe our bodies sometimes know better?
You ARE awesome!
ReplyDelete