Ups and Downs

TRIGGER WARNING: eating disorder thoughts (and possibly behaviors, but mild ones) Thought I'd post an update in the interest of writing all this down a bit, and being honest to myself. If someone wants to weigh in on what sounds eating disordered vs. normal - if it's even helpful to think in those terms - you're free to do so. If this post interests no one, it's still helpful for my own recovery to read back on it later. I feel a bit embarrassed to write so much about myself, for some reason. I'm hoping to gain some courage to see a doctor about this, too. On Friday the 18th, I found out my cat is well. A huge relief came out of this. I'd been having a lot of symptoms on the days before that, and virtually nothing on the weekend, so I have to conclude that my worry over the cat - which was a lot stronger than I had assumed, judging by the relief - had made my ED thoughts worse. Perhaps it's easier to focus on your body size than your cat's possible illness? Osku had a mole, of all things - I was certain it was a tumor and I only hoped it was benign. The days after that went by in an almost blissful state. I was just super relaxed. Last Thursday, I went shopping for a new dress with my friend, who is also fat. We found so many possible ones. Maybe there are more sizes available nowadays? It was a huge issue in Finland about five years back to find a size 20, so I was very encouraged by this. We also had big sundaes at the ice cream bar. I felt normal and beautiful, even princess-like in the dress I bought. It's perfect for me. One of the salespeople tried to push black dresses on me, and I had to tell her "no black, please". I bet she thought I'd look fat in the other colors, but I absolutely wanted blue. The one I finally got was baby blue, my favorite shade. Due to all this, I was feeling really well for a few days. I still had some self-hating thoughts, but they weren't overwhelming. I ate a lot of food, but I enjoyed it, and the prospect of weight loss didn't seem awfully threatening, given that I had many new items of clothing, and could still fit into new sizes if I gained more. My feeling of being somehow larger than life had, if not vanished, at least been alleviated. I might want to spend more time with fat people, I mean ones who don't constantly apologize for their fatness like my mother. My friend isn't die-hard FA, but she's not scared to discuss weight, and is very natural about it. However, this past weekend I found myself slipping back to the ED thoughts a bit. Yesterday, it was a lovely summery day and I decided to go out into the park. I enjoyed the sun, the ducks, the trees, etc. However, after a while, I began to feel thirsty and a bit dizzy. I was going to sit on a bench but then I thought no, I can't sit on a bench if I sit down all day, I'm not that bad of a fatty. I made myself walk a bit further, and felt quite sick when I got home. The actual amount and intensity of the exercise wasn't so great - maybe 45 minutes of leisurely walking - but the mood in which it was done was not good, and it ruined my pleasure of the park. I came home feeling like I could and should have done more. After this, I had lunch: tortillas with ground beef, lettuce and cherry tomatoes. I really enjoyed it so I had three of these, which made me feel like I might not be able to stop. I remembered reading that your appetite winds down if you eat something sweet, so I took out some ice cream and spooned that in until I felt quite sick. The amount wasn't big (maybe half a bowlful), but I obviously ate more than felt comfortable. I'm not sure if that was a binge or just a well-intentioned but failed experiment. Maybe I would have done better with some fresh fruit? Maybe it would have been OK to have a fourth tortilla? The exercising mood struck again in the evening, when I exercycled - again a short while, maybe a mere five minutes, but there was an intense need to DO SOMETHING about my weight. It was a rather aggressive feeling. I was able to divert from this into doing some cleaning. Today, I got on some weird health kick and thought I have to buy the cholesterol-lowering margarine, even if I don't know what my cholesterol is. It just suddenly struck me that I might have high cholesterol, and I ate some oat bread with the cholesterol-lowering margarine, no toppings. This is not a bad thing, per se, but I felt like having cheese and was scared to have it. So the high from finding the dress lasted three days. What brought it down? I can't really tell. I have some stress related to my job and my future, getting a new part-time job and leaving one I hate. It makes me feel a bit out of control. Maybe I'm also reacting to a lowering in my meds (I've had odd nightmares and mood swings). So I can't control my job situation or my moods; could that make me feel like I can't control my eating? Maybe it's a diversion from the real issues. Also, it seems oddly like exercise triggers me worse than food does. I'm sure as hell not going to sit inside all summer just because of that. Maybe I need to focus on the things around me while walking, or listen to some music, or go out with a friend who can distract me so it doesn't FEEL like exercise. I thought of making a little schedule for exercising, like "I will exercycle each evening for 20 minutes". If I do that, I can do it even when I'm NOT in a self-loathing mood, thus making it more about a routine, like brushing my teeth. I don't brush my teeth because I'm an OMG fatty who eats sooo much sugar. I brush because it's good for my health. I could try the same with the exercycling.

Question: Fat Acceptance / Eating Disorders

I'm just throwing this out there. This is an idea that rose out of reading on Binge Eating Disorder (which I might in fact have, based on the symptoms) and my anxiety at the thought that I have it. If I do have Binge Eating Disorder, and this is why I'm fat, does this mean my body is "sick" this way? I don't mean health risks, I mean is my body the "wrong" way, "unnatural", and something I wouldn't have if I weren't sick? In other words, if I have BED, can I still accept my body as it is?

To Be Honest...

I'm not so sure I'm fine. I just panic-exercycled because I've been eating so much. I'm not sure if it's the antihistamine I've been taking, but I eat all the time lately.

My panic thought is always the same: Toby loves me even if I get bigger, and I can buy new clothes and I can adjust to being bigger but WHAT WILL MY MOTHER THINK?! I CAN'T SHOW MYSELF TO HER LIKE THIS.

I wish I had like a year when I don't see my mother* and can just be as big as I am, and screw what everyone thinks.

Is my problem inside my head, or inside my mother's?

Should I exercycle more? Exercise is not bad. Exercise is good. Yet if it's self loathing, it's bad. I may not be able to separate the two.

* this is not a wish that she would die, I feel like I have to add, lest I jinx it. Also she loves me and helps me out in many ways, but this weight thing is just... bad.

When It's Bad

I realized I haven't blogged in a while. In the interest of making the blog more real and gritty, I will publish something I wrote to myself in March when I had a relapse. It was really mostly a mental thing, although I did exercise a lot for a few days, just in the frenzy of losing some weight, and made myself really miserable. The mood I was writing from was extremely restless. (I had grown out of a shirt recently, so the side fat felt like the worst thing in the world. I have to smile at "sidefatty ball of lard who can't fit into any clothing", but it's also really dead serious when I'm feeling it.)

TRIGGER WARNING for eating disordered thinking patterns. I hope publishing this is helpful and not harmful to others. It's useful for me to read this stuff sometimes, just to remind myself where it can go if I let self-loathing take over. I should probably add that I don't have an eating disorder diagnosis and don't know if I'm more borderline, ED-NOS, or something. But maybe it doesn't matter.
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I feel the old, cold presence inside me; it's a restlessness under the surface. It says "lose weight lose weight lose weight". It doesn't matter how, it's a question of what must be done, as fast and efficiently as possible. It's disgusted with me, I'm disgusted with myself, and I feel a temptation I can barely look away from. I want to please this creature - I'm not sure why. I want to stop to think and abolish it, but I also want to plunge in and not care about common sense, no matter what I know about the creature. I want to become one with it, be fast and efficient and SLENDER, not some side-fatty ball of lard that can't fit into any clothing.

I feel I would be redeemed, utterly and finally redeemed, if I did what the creature says. I walk up and down the stairs, determinately, it doesn't hurt it feels good, it feels like coming alive. I think about calories lost, I think I'm doing a good thing to myself here, I'm helping myself here. But I feel restless and oddly removed from other people, alone in a bubble with no one else inside. No one else matters, their view of me isn't important, the only thing that matters is Lose Weight Lose Weight Lose Weight.

I should get a scale. I should get a measuring tape too, and start writing down weights and measures. Just think how fast the pounds will go down, just think how fast I can achieve this, I can become someone else! I'm ready, I'm ready to achieve this and make it real. It will happen soon, it has to happen soon, tomorrow next week next month, soon soon soo I will lose weight and I will look better and feel better and my joints will stop aching and I will be able to run run run, run like a young free spirit, run anywhere, on the street in the woods in my apartment. I can stay up the night on the exercycle, I can do as much as I want. I can lie in bed and still pedal the exercycle with my legs, I can pace back and forth. Anything can be done, will be done.

But I just can't stop eating. I have to be able to stop eating I have to stop drinking Coke. Oh god what if I can't what if I can't? I feel sick thinking I can't, I feel suffocated like I can't live anymore. I don't want to be a miserable disgusting fatty fat fat forever I cannot I cannot I will not. I will not!

My Belly. (And Boobs). For No Apparent Reason. *Not Safe for Work!*

I felt like posting this. I know it's always a bit risky (or risqué?) to post photos of your own body, especially with nipples on. But there it is. I'm probably slightly bigger now.

My body doesn't look enormous to me or anything. Maybe it isn't. It's just... soft and jiggly.

In case you've read before and wonder how I'm doing, I'm OK, I think. Right now I'm eating a lot; it seems to come and go. I'm not terribly depressed. I probably sound down, but it's mostly because I'm taking antihistamines and am just really tired. I'll write a proper report another time.