Scared.

Edit: I recommend that anyone struggling with the same feelings read the comments to this entry. I got so many words of encouragement, it made me feel much more at ease with what's going on. 

It's been a week since I threw out my scale. I've been eating freely, stocking up on food, and I've given up all the rules I was taught about eating. Don't have candy and cookies in the house; don't eat every time you feel like it; don't buy something on an impulse. Above all, don't waste food. I've given up on all of that.

The first few days, I had the feeling of a huge weight lifting off me. I felt like I was floating on air, being accepted for who I was. My mind was free to work on what it wanted to; the thought cycles were gone and I felt free and... alive. But the high has gone out somewhat by now. I think I'm giving into the worries and fears a little bit. A part of me is very impatient to eat "normally" and be thrifty and stop this madness. A part of me thinks this is all bullshit and regrets giving up the scale, because I feel like I've gone too long without and need the reassurance. I miss that feeling of control, even if it never once helped me feel better.

Is it normal that I'm still overeating after a week? My appetite confuses me. I had expected some overindulgence on the first couple of days, but still? I get this urge to eat everything all at once and it feels suffocating to be full and know there are more treats than I can possibly eat. I thought the cravings were supposed to stop. When do they stop? Do I just crave until the day I finally no longer question my right to eat? Or maybe cravings are OK?

I'm quite sure I've gained weight, which makes me, frankly, a little bit miserable. On the plus side, I'm at least less miserable than I used to be, because I don't have a scale to stand on over and over, nor am I staring in the mirror all the time. I'm trying to focus on other things, so my mind is somewhat occupied by other things, and the body shifts out of focus. But there's a great temptation to fall into the pit of "I'm so fat and all I do is eat".


I do worry about gaining weight endlessly until I literally blow up. I know it's probably impossible, and I haven't been able to empty my fridge since I started stocking up.

Should it matter how much weight I gain and how much food I eat? What if I haven't even gained weight? Maybe I'm just imagining it, because I fear losing control. But my pants are tight on me, so I suppose I'm not imagining things. I feel like sending people before and after photos and verifying if I've gained weight, in lieu of having a scale. My preoccupation with how big I actually am is a bit worrying. I may have been deluding myself about it before. Until now, I haven't realized how much I really think about it, like my whole identity comes from my size.

I just feel like my body's slipping from my fingers, falling apart like I'm made of sand. I've lost all control. I'm scared to death.

Calm Down, We Can ALL Be Eating Disordered

Edit: The commenter apologized in the previous post, so you can go read her response there. I think I'll keep the post up, because it's so symptomatic of how people respond to fat people with eating disorders, but there's no ongoing fight or grudge going on here. We all lash out sometimes.

"Anonymous said...
wow you must've looked hilarious buying four chocolate bars. disgusting. Four is so unnecessary. and bullSHIT you have an eating disorder, unless its binge eating. You insult me, and others, who actually fear calories and would be suicidal at a third your size."

This is a comment I got to my previous post, where I discussed throwing out the scale and buying lots of food so I can eat what I want. I did this as a gesture of healing from what I call an eating disorder, although I don't have a diagnosis or more precise name for it. I just feel miserable and guilty about my eating habits, think about my weight all the time, weigh myself too often, get anxiety attacks over fat hate, etc. etc. My friend Robyn, who has suffered from anorexia, was the one to tell me I need to kill it dead. So today, obviously another anorexic tells me I insult her by thinking I have a problem.

I could have deleted it as a flame, but I kept it and responded. It's obviously meant to be both humiliating and insulting - drawing attention to my size, exaggerating it (a third my size? Bwah), using bully tactics, denying my right to name my problem. This tells me the person felt very mad and threatened when she read my post.

As I mentioned, I don't have a diagnosis. That means I'm not taking anyone's bed or place in therapy. I'm naming my problem and fighting against it, with the help of my boyfriend and closest friends. If I saw a doctor and told them everything I told Robyn, they may diagnose me, or they may just conclude that I need to eat less. Even if a doctor gave me a diagnosis, I probably couldn't expect for a lot of sympathy or support in healing; a lot of people would question the diagnosis and whether it's "a real eating disorder". Atypical eating disorders - or even binge eating disorder/compulsive eating - are very little known and there's very little help available. And OK, let's say I technically don't have an eating disorder (yet); it's still a serious problem that I have these thought patterns and guilt feelings. I need to ease my pressure or it will really depress me. In fact, I'm already on antidepressants.

Here's the big question: Why should it INSULT someone if I think I have an eating disorder? It helps me conceptualize the problem and be determined to change it. If I need to see the problem as a separate creature that I need to destroy, what's it to you?

I've thought of it a lot and here's my conclusion: the commenter is angry because she does not want to be lumped together with a fatty. If a fat person can have an eating disorder, then the concept of eating disorders is tarnished with fat and gluttony, and it makes her anorexia look like a joke. This is sad, but it's just the eating disorder speaking. My disorder is different in nature, but it has similar thought patterns. For instance, I was pretty angry at first when I read about HAES and fat people who exercise. "They're bringing the slim world's antics into the fat world! It will be tainted!" It's really just the same thing turned around.

The sad part is, this would pretty much be my parents' reaction, without the whole "you insult me because I have a REAL problem". I had bulimia symptoms at ages 15 and 18; both times, my mother told me I do not have an eating disorder and I need to stop dramatizing. "We all binge," she said, as if our family sits around eating until we throw up. This is pretty much how our culture deals with a fat girl who feels she has a problem. In a way, fat people are seen as unhealthy; in another way, we're seen as "healthy", as in "you look healthy". If you look healthy, how can you be sick inside?

Of course, I share this problem with all the normalweight people with eating disorders. If you're not critically skinny, people will usually not see you as sick. Normalweight is the ideal, so how could someone at that size be sick? As an added bonus, a fat person is expected to think and behave in eating disordered ways. We should be counting the calories of every bite. We should be overexercising. We should hate our bodies and consider them unattractive. It's understandable if we sit around thinking about the weight all the time; that just means we have a problem and have to do something about it.

It's sad that sometimes, people who could understand and support each other are unable to do so, because the disorder does just that. Robyn isn't controlled by her disorder anymore, so she can see we're not that different. In this comment above, I just see the disorder creature spitting and growling at me. I recognize its hideous face. That's why it's hard to be mad at the commenter, even if her words did hurt; I'm still vulnerable and ashamed of myself. But it helps to know where it's coming from.

These are complex issues and it's always hard to talk about such a topic without someone else's pain crashing into your own. I hope everyone struggling with eating disorders, diagnosed or unrecognized, will get help and support from someone.

I Am Awesome!

I THREW OUT MY SCALE LIKE A BOSS!!!

I threw out that motherfucking death machine in an act of guerilla warfare.
...Um, Robyn suggested looking at it in war terms, because fighting against an eating disorder is like facing a war machine.

So I did it. It was really hard. I was scared and angry. I shook and felt sick and coddled the scale to my chest before throwing it out. But I was able to do it.

For the first time in 14 years, I feel like I'm on top of the weight anxiety. I'm controlling it, it's not controlling me.

I've never had a diagnosis and I still don't. I don't know if I technically fill the requirements of an eating disorder. But as Robyn said, "Do you need a diagnosis to know you feel terrible about eating, which you need to do to live?"
I guess I don't.

I just needed someone's permission to throw out the scale, because people don't usually acknowledge that a fat girl could have an eating disorder. That it might be better to NOT watch your weight and what you eat.
That maybe sometimes, what a fat girl needs is MORE FREEDOM and less guilt, not the other way around.

So I went to the store today, like a boss, and I bought two packs of Ben&Jerry's Coconutterly Fair. I bought marshmallows, four chocolate bars, a frozen pizza, mayonnaise and white bread, Parmese ham, chicken Kiev with blue cheese potatoes. I'm just going to try the "Fat is a Feminist Issue" method: eating exactly what I feel like, stocking up food home so it's always available when I crave it. Just eating.

There's one rule though: no guilt. Food disappears once it goes in my mouth. No contemplating afterwards on how many calories, what I should ahve eaten instead, whether I've had too many treats on that day. No thoughts on good and bad foods. JUST EATING.
Like a boss.