Comeback?

OK, so I'm probably ready to relaunch after almost two years. I have been, and still am, suffering from depression, which made blogging and thinking very hard for a while. I think I'm ready to return to sporadic fat-related posts, as well as gay/gender topics. (I put a question mark in the title, just in case I'm not ready. But if I publish this post, it's a good sign.)

During these two years, I've thought a lot about stuff. When I started this blog, I thought I'd write about a fat, lesbian Christian who finds her value despite, or because of, being those things. That identification has, to some extent, changed.

The fat part is still very much there, and my views on Fat Acceptance are mostly the same. The change I've made in this area is thinking less about my weight and fat politics in general. I haven't been reading FA blogs much, and I haven't been discussing the topic in forums. I felt I needed to come away from the culture a bit and focus on other things. I find it's been helpful for finding my own thoughts and feelings. I believe my FA writing has improved, because I'm no longer as angry as I was some years ago.(This is not to say that anger is a part of the FA culture per se; it was just my own problem.) I'm not angry with non-FA fat people, and I'm not angry with thin people, or dieters, or super-healthy eaters, or vegetarians/vegans, like I used to be. People who have a limiting lifestyle no longer pose a threat to me, emotionally speaking. I've also tried to grow more tolerant of fat people who haven't questioned their internalized fat phobia. I still groan and moan at TV stereotypes of fat people and will probably write about this again soon. In my eating, I try to grow into an acceptance of all foods as part of a varied diet. I don't like to think in terms of "good" or "bad", or "everyday" and "sometimes" foods. I try to eat all nutrients, but without limiting anything. I mainly just want to be free and focus on other things in my life. It's working fairly well, although I still struggle with guilt. My anti-diet stance is still there. That is, I don't judge others who diet, but I'm not interested in trying it myself. I just don't think it works, looking at the evidence.

As for the lesbian part: I'm currently identifying more as a bisexual. My girlfriend opened up about his transgender feelings some months ago, and I'm calling him Toby and he, because if he identifies as a man, then he is. In that sense, we're in a heterosexual relationship now. It depends on how you look at gender. This is an area I'm quite curious and fascinated by: how do we define gender, and who defines it? Can we completely break away from the idea of man/woman? I hope we can. I'm cisgender myself (i.e. I identify as female and have female genitalia). My boyfriend's revelation came as a delightful surprise. I'm not sure why. All I know is, I want to be with him and no one else; if he is transgender, that just gives me a chance to widen my thinking in that respect. I'm NOT fully knowledgeable in the topic, however, and might still feel shy about blogging from a transgender perspective. I try to be very sensitive to the fact that I'm not transgendered, and therefore can't understand everything.

I'm not sure about the Christian bit right now. I've thought a lot about God, and I still believe in his existence and my bond with him, but I'm not entirely sure if Jesus is the son of God who died for my sins etc. I had never really doubted this in my whole life, and I'm curious to see if I'll go back to full-blown Christianity or stay somewhere on the sidelines, believing some of it and not the rest. I may or may not write about religious/spiritual things in this blog, I'm not sure.

So that's my identity right now, and the perspective through which I will blog.

I apologize in advance if I don't follow anyone else's blog, or post anywhere else, or respond to comments, or whatever. It's not because I think I'm the center of FA and everyone else is unimportant, or because your comments ticked me off. It's because sometimes, due to the depression, I have trouble following complex political discussions. But I'm here, and I do value your comments. Comments are screened; if yours comes up, I read and approved of it. I will put up a comments policy soon.