Very crappy photo= me standing on a scale. For those who use lb’s, it’s about 200 pounds. Not that it really
matters.
Once again, I’m in a place where I feel like dieting (no, not crash dieting, just “eating less and exercising”). No one can really help me, because I have to find my own way in this issue. It’s hard. The majority opinion is that I should absolutely do something about it, because a lot of it is visceral (belly) fat, and my BMI is 35, and it’s dangerous. The minority opinion is that I would just gain the weight back, and fat isn’t as dangerous as people like to think, and I should aim for self-acceptance instead.
I’ve thought about this long and hard, many times, for about the last 12 years. I always end up leaning on the fat acceptance view. It’s the more critical one, for one thing. People like to straw man it as: “I wanna eat so I’ll accept my fat and just say lalalala I’m not listening when someone says it’s dangerous.” This is very far from the deep-
thought, critical blogs I’ve read.
The people who lost weight seem to gain it back in almost all cases. I know one or two people who lost weight and kept it all off. One of the most striking yo-yo examples is my own Dad. He has been battling his weight for 20 years, going on all kinds of healthy eating plans and exercising. He’s now fatter than ever and diabetic. My family thinks it’s because he eats too much. I have to wonder, if he would be smaller, had he not dieted. Or maybe he would be the same size either way, considering that his father got fat at the same age and was also diabetic.
Maybe the two things are connected?
Furthermore, my mental health should come first. I have been struggling with depression for two years now, and I need to keep my head above the water. I had some eating disorder symptoms when I was young, and was obsessed with weight for so long, and I don’t want to go back into that mindset. I’m battling a really powerful self-loathing, not to sound dramatic. I worry about that. Maybe that, more than anything else, is the reason I’m leaning on fat acceptance. I’m not sure if I could just “diet sensibly”. I worry that I could not.
Or maybe the biggest question is: would I lose something important of myself and my power and courage? Would I lose the part of me that could inspire other people? Would I lose my way?
Why do I always go back into fear mode? Is it just an emotional response, perhaps a logical/”common sense” reasoning for wanting to take the easy way out? Maybe I just don’t want to believe that fat acceptance is true, or right for me, because it scares me to always be thought in the wrong. It scares me to be the glutton in anybody’s eyes, or to be the ugly one, or just damn ignorant. The last one stings the worst, because I do want people to see me as intelligent and critical.
Or maybe it’s just reasonable concern about my real health risks. In which case, if I can’t diet, I will have to learn to live with it. I can always comfort myself with the knowledge that dieting might make me fatter in the long run, thus increasing the risks.
Arghhh brain is fuming must stop thinking now
I wish I could hug you... I too have been there many, many times.....HUG
ReplyDeleteI won't vilify weight loss or the need and desire to lose weight for health or cosmetic reasons. I understand why people want that for so many reasons.
However, dieting does NOT work. There are no reliable long term scientifically proven methods for long term weight loss. period. The scientific community at large have thrown trillions of dollars to fix this problem and have not... a diet pill/drug or other which works is like the golden grail....
There are short term fixes but 99% of the time... after allll that hard work the weight creeps back on. And... due to the metabolism that is now more frugal than my grandfather during the depression because of said dieting, we not only gain the weight back but add more as protection.
So I came to this point, diets don't work long term, I "lost" yet again. Do I have it in me to do this all over again? Can I accept the fact that I will have to diet and go hungry the rest of my life? Can I live with feeling like I am a constant failure of self loathing? nope.
So I began the process of loving myself. That includes exersize, that includes a vegetarian whole grain diet with minimal junk food because that is what my body needs and likes. My relationship to my body is going from one of negativity and one of self care and love. My focus is on health, not on the weight. In fact, weight can also be protective of certain cancers and people who are overweight (and exersize) and teh SAME mortality of normal BMI folks who exersize.
Its easy to get side tracked because the messages in society are a resounding cultish chant "be thin be thin be thin." Doctors while pretending to be objective are biased, its part of the biased training they have receieved by wrong data and wrong conclusions.
I get healthier when I do not weigh myself. I get healthier when I jog/swim/weight lift/walk/dance. I get healthier when I eat my delicious kale. I trust my body not to fall apart if eat a muffin. I trust her. Perhaps she is bigger than others but thats ok. I am trusting her. My body is not some beast that is going to run on stampede like a bull the minute I open the gates. My body is a curious manatee cruising by for a look, a munch then moving on. gentle with herself and with others. in balance... well not yet but thats the goal.
*Hug* Thank you so much for your words. You sound like a very strong, confident person. Maybe I can be too, once I trust my own ideals.
ReplyDeleteOn a logical level I believe it: diets don't work, it's not my weakness that makes me fat. But it takes a lot of work to believe it on an emotional level.
I'm still searching for my own version of a relatively healthy lifestyle. But I hope I can find one that includes peace of mind and does not include weight loss.
I don't know if you're looking for advice, but I agree with mantis. Exercise (something you enjoy, done in moderation) actually would probably make you feel better, if you're not already doing it. Regular exercise always has a positive effect on my physical and mental health.
ReplyDeleteBut, yeah. Dieting is unpleasant and crazy making, and it doesn't work long term.
I know exactly how you feel. Really. I just hist 200 lbs, I have been suffering from depression for several years, I had a very restrictive eating disorder for 10 years, and sometimes I wish I didn't know that diets don't work.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wish I didn't know, so I could justify sinking back into the comforting world of believing that fixing my body fat would fix everything. So I could justify going back to dieting and losing weight in stead of dealing with the much more deep set, much more unhealthy shit that is actually making me feel bad.
But I can't, because I do know. And so do you. And it sucks, in many ways, to have your crutch kicked out from under you by knowledge and logic, because it leaves you with nothing emotional to replace it.
And replacing it yourself - by slowly, slowly learning to recognize and experience your emotions without getting frightened and shoving them into the box marked "I'm fat" - is fucking hard.
Self loathing is incredibly painful, and I'm sorry you're experiencing it. Try to remind yourself that there is nothing god-given or objective about it, and there are plenty of people in the world with a body just like yours who don't hate it or think it is ugly: It's in your head (and in the heads of those who love to hate fat people), not in the real world.
dee: I've had trouble with exercise because of bad PE memories etc. I try to inject a littel walking to each day, but I still hope I could do more. Maybe I'll discover the joy of exercise like some of my friends have done, outside of competitive sports and in my own way?
ReplyDeleteS: *hug* I'm sorry to hear about your pain. It sounds worse than mine, although maybe it can't be compared, everyone has their own pain.
But yes, KNOWING is the hard part. Once you know you can't really go back to not-knowing. You'd have to use some powerful self-delusion. In fact, maybe dieting always requires powerful self-delusion: ignoring how it doesn't work for most other people, ignoring the negative mental effects, just staring at the goal.
I hope it all pays off in the end. I hope we develop self esteems that are stronger than most people's, and we learn to truly love ourselves and help others. It must all be worthwhile.
..but then here you are, helping me even if you're in pain. So maybe it is.
ReplyDeleteDeniselle... there are some wonderful body size accepting workout videos out there (rummaging for a post she read) http://liveoncejuicy.wordpress.com/2011/03/04/review-debra-mazdas-shapely-girl-fitness/
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this too. I can assure you, though, that the scale is NOT your friend - toss it or, if you have a partner/family member who MUST have it, tell them to keep it in their secret location and not have it out for view.
ReplyDeleteThe scale tells you absolutely nothing about your health, your beauty, or, most importantly, your value...but you will think it does.
I tossed my scale eight years ago and have never been sorry!
Heidi: That's really good advice. I probably should. The picture is of my friend's scale, taken when I visited her, but I do have my own scale and use it way too often. *blush* It's something I haven't been able to shake.
ReplyDeleteActually, I took it in my basement for a while, about six months last year. I can't remember how I argumented bringing it back.
Mantis: Thanks! I'll take a look. :)
It does pay off, it does get better, and in the end it gets good :)
ReplyDeleteTruly, if there is one thing I've learned when I look back at the years I've spent training to be a psychologist, it is that zen bhuddism has many, many things to teach us.
One of the most useful things I've taken away from bhuddism is a basic form of meditation;
As you breathe in, imagine that you are breathing in all the pain and suffering in the world, and as it enters your body, the powerful, divine calm and good that is inside you - a warm glow that fills your body- neutralizes it without even blinking. As you breathe out, you breathe out happiness and health. Not for yourself, but for everyone else in the world: That tired young mom you saw on the subway today, that old man whose wife just died, everyone suffering in Japan right now, and so on.
Our selfish culture has trouble thinking that anything not focused on me, me, me can be anything but draining, but meditating like this has helped me cultivate a feeling that I contain all the good in the world, that I can contain everyone else and all their pain and not be harmed in any way, but just breathe them through it and be connected to them, even if they'll never know it and keep judging me.
It becomes a sort of anti-depressed, calm high that carries you through life with a feeling of love and unity towards everyone else. You start to see the beauty in everyone you meet and through that, in yourself.
Also, throw the damn scale away. It has never done anyone any good.
I've found breathing exercises helpful with anxiety attacks. I can't really agree with Buddhism because I need to believe in an external loving force, a God. But there's a lot to be learned in some of the ideas of Buddhism. Meditation is one of those things.
ReplyDelete*looks at scale* Hmmmmm. Maybe I really should throw it out.