Food Journaling?

(I'm gonna say TRIGGER WARNING for binging/depression, because this is depressing as hell)

-Ate few pieces of chocolate for fun.
-Read article that had a brief bit about how Finns eat too much sugar.
-Ate more chocolate because I have to eat it, especially if the experts hate it, and they're not taking it away from me dammit.
-Ate cheese noodles.
-Drank Coke.
-Drank more Coke.
-Made pear pie, which made me happy and feel accomplished.
-Ate half of pear pie, which made me feel sick and guilty.
-Felt incredibly tired and depressed. Overpowering urge to drink Coke took over.
-Drank more Coke, felt like I failed at life. Worried I won't be able to stop drinking too much Coke ever. Alarmed that I can't think of anything else that would possibly help my mood.

Am I doing this wrong? I'm mainly hoping for advice from... I don't even know. Just please don't tell me how dangerous and awful it is to eat so much sugar, I know right.

EDIT: this is a particularly bad day, I can sometimes eat with abandon and feel good about it. I always eat less on those days, oddly.

I'm surprised to see my own judgements at sugar and my failed attempt to not drink Coke. I have trouble accepting my Coke-drinking because it seems to be increasing, and also because I worry about my teeth. But am I restricing myself so that I become more and more craving of it?

I get panicky thinking of how fucked up I am, like my self crumbles completely under the notion that my eating is so fucked up. I want it to be OK but I feel like it's not. I hate myself. But my biggest fear is having to give up my freedom of eating, so I guess this is still better than restrictions or is it?

Self-Support.

I'm going to write this just to back up my own feelings, because I need a positive mantra. But I hope it's helpful to some others too.

I'm feeling really down about weight gaining and my mind is full of "OMG 200 lbs", "OMG 40 inches", "OMG huge" etc. messages. In my brain, I know why I'm not fighting my fat, but I need for my emotions to come on that level too.

I do not diet because

...that mindset is detrimental to my eating disorder recovery. 

...for once in my life, I really want to be taken and accepted as I am, and anyone who doesn't can go screw.


..it usually fails, and I could be setting myself up for a huge disappointment.


...I believe fat acceptance is true, and it makes way more sense than the anti-fat mentality.

...I've come such a long way in self-acceptance, and I'd be tearing up everything I've built.

...I'd be letting people down. I'm not a big name blogger, but I know some people get strength from my struggle. There's not that many of us, we need each other.

...heck, because I LIKE TO EAT and I'm only just learning to do it without fear. There's nothing wrong with that!

This isn't helping me right now but hopefully, if I tell myself these things many enough times, I will realize it's really all true, and this is the way I should follow. I just wish I had some peace of mind. Does a lack of peace of mind mean there's something wrong with my values? Or is it just a sign that I'm not there yet?

Or maybe it's just human life, everything is always hard and takes many years of hard work and dedication, and you get there step by step. No matter which way you choose, that's how you find peace.