"He's so Big": Body Dysmorphia on "Project Runway"

This week's Project Runway task was to redesign the look of The Sheep Dogs. If you've watched the show, you know two things right off the bat:
-the designers don't know how to make menswear, and
-there's always an issue about "big" clients.

I like this show, even if I don't care for fashion, even if I sometimes skip the "real people" challenges because of my own body dysmorphia. It's just hurtful to see people half my size called "huge" and designers act like making clothes for them is a joke.

This time, it was extra weird, because Olivier is a menswear designer, but he acted like he can't possibly cope, because got the "big" lead singer Ewan. Now, in my eyes, Ewan is a bit chubby but by no means HUGE. Olivier, however, was completely freaked out about how BIG Ewan is and how he can't design for big people. I'll stop here to remark that even if Ewan were huge compared to most people, that would still not excuse Olivier's attitude. But Olivier's reaction speaks volumes of how he views the human body. He's Asian and very small himself, so perhaps that plays into it, but he obviously isn't even used to averagely chubby people. Last week, he complained about his client's breasts - D cup, which apparently he had never heard of - and wanted to hide them, when the client wanted to accentuate them. He obviously doesn't realize that some "big" people like showing off their body. It's ignorance rather than meanness, I think; Olivier is kind of cute and hapless and surely has no intention of offending anybody, he's just hugely body dysmorphic or something.

It's a bit vindicating that Olivier ended up going home, but not before he said twice in front of the client that "he's much bigger than the mannequin", then interviewed that "you don't have the same kind of passion, I never thought I'd be designing for plus size people".

WTF, Olivier? Aren't clothes your passion? Like material, design, pattern? Couldn't you just make a really cool rock star outfit in a slightly bigger size? Is designing for bigger people suddenly such a bummer that you can't feel anything? This felt very othering and dehumanizing. Some designers from previous seasons have acted the same way. There's always a "real people" challenge and there's always someone who acts like plus sizes are something from another planet. They obviously don't realize that some viewers are plus size and enjoy wearing nice clothes. And instead of broadening their horizons or going "OK, I can really do something good here and bedazzle the judges with my mad skillz", they just throw their arms up: "No one could do this!"

The weirdest thing is that Olivier doesn't mind saying all this out loud, completely honestly, even to the client. He has no subtlety or politeness about it, and yet he seems like he doesn't want to offend. It's like he thinks BIG people just have to take it, and how could they not realize they're so big. But Ewan, when he asked, "Are you saying I'm a big guy?" looked hurt and embarrassed. (Maybe I'm projecting, because that's how I would have felt.) The always cool Tim Gunn just stared at Olivier with a disapproving frown. He didn't say "That's no way to talk to your client", but he obviously tried to signal that with his eyes. Olivier didn't get it.

Interestingly, judge Michael Kors pointed out that Olivier has a 6'3'' client and he manages to shrink this guy, rather than make him look big and mighty. Olivier obviously thinks that anything big is bad, even tall is bad. (Aren't the models tall? Where is this all coming from?) You'd think a lead singer in a rock band may want to look big, like he's the star, and some people like big men. In fact, you might argue that a short and thin man gets more body criticism because he's "effeminate". A big and fat man is at least masculine in the size. Or that's what I hear.

I felt really bad for Ewan. He was supposed to get a cool new look for his rock star self, and he gets endless references to his weight instead. I don't know how he feels about his weight; some guys aren't that bothered about it, but I wouldn't blame him for feeling really body dysmorphic after this. At least his other designer, Bert, gave him an outfit that made him look more rock'n'roll. Bert wasn't shy about dressing a big man, but then he is fat himself (much bigger than Ewan, of course). The perfect antidote to Olivier.

You know what I'd like to see? A whole season with plus size models. Or a whole season of "real" clients, one after the other. Fat people, old people, children's wear. Something that would totally knock the designers off their balance and make them do their best work or go up in flames.

Bottom line: It's not the client's fault if he's bigger than the mannequin. That's not your excuse to not even try. Learn to make clothes for big people, and to see big people as people in the first place. You can't live your whole life in a bubble with models.

My Oh My, Stephen Fry. Part 2

I've been thinking about what I wrote on Stephen Fry's self-loathing. Was I too harsh on him?
What did I feel when I once "managed" to lose 30 pounds?

I remember thinking that I used to be horribly fat (the size I am now, or a bit smaller). I had been yanked away from the edge of a precipice. I was going to fall, but at the last minute, I was saved. Still healthy, still able to make the changes, still young; I did not have diabetes or heart disease yet, and I was not irredeemably fat yet.

Did I despise other fat people? No. I just hadn't ever considered that someone as fat as I was could possibly be happy. It didn't enter into my mind, because for me - or so I told myself - my fat was a source of misery. My eating was terrible. I felt guilty and tired and ashamed. All I did was eat candy the whole time. I never exercised. I was lazy and greedy.

And yet, with all this in my head still, I thought I was "fat acceptant". I wasn't yet involved in the blogosphere - this was in 2002-03 or so. I was annoyed when fat people would say that you can be fat and healthy; I thought it's clear as day that fat causes disease, and I was surely just about to get something. I really thought that if you weigh 200 pounds, or anywhere near it, you would get sick, end of story. It was inevitable.

It wasn't fat hate, per se; it was ignorance. Ignorance and fear of my own body and my own appetite; fear of people hating me, although my mind dressed it up as fear for my health. Quite soon, I would open my mind to fat acceptance and it would blow all my old ideas away.

So what of Mr Fry? I don't know, because I don't know him. Someone pointed out that he regained the weight recently, which doesn't surprise me, but also doesn't erase what he said before. He might be back to thinking he's bloated and horrible. Or maybe he has learned something about dieting? He would be a powerful ally to the fat acceptance movement, because he's been very vocal about gay rights and many other issues. He is an intelligent person that a lot of people listen to. That's why I wish he could join us. But it takes a powerful personal revelation to come into fat acceptance, and some people never find it. I don't judge Mr Fry for hating his body; I hate mine, it's part of our culture and, as some people mentioned, particularly lucrative for depressive people. (I suffer from depression myself, so I know something about that self-loathing and self-blame.) So perhaps I was too harsh. But I stand by my disappointment.

Does my regain and change of ideas erase what I thought before? Maybe not erase - but I hope they redeem it. I was young and dumb, a recent weight-loser; I felt like I had to believe that what I did was worth it. I wanted to create a gap between my old and new self (or, as I saw it, my original self and the fat self that wasn't really me). I don't judge myself either, in hindsight; I had gained weight very fast, had a lot of pressure to change, and was eating disordered, even if I didn't realize it then. I could easily have become bulimic (I had some urges to purge), or I could have got slim and fought hard to stay there. But I'm glad I didn't.

It's strange, the mind space of the recently dieted. I thought I had come to my senses, but I was really living in a bubble. A bubble that would soon burst when I realized the only benefits of being 30 pounds later were my Mom's constant praise - which got on my nerves - and a slightly enhanced ability to climb up stairs. I still got the flu, I still felt tired at times, and in addition, I felt guilty for eating something good and worried about regaining the weight. I soon figured out this wasn't worth it.

I found my way to an acceptance - even if I still struggle, and maybe you're never quite there. I can only hope Mr Fry also finds it. If not, well, he's only human. Maybe he'll never join us, but I hope for his sake that he learns to look in the mirror without hate and shame.

Let's Revolve!

Jamie Oliver has Twitter, and is boasting how many people and COUNTRIES - wtf? - are signing his "Food Revolution" fat hate thing. I tweeted at him, although I'm sure he won't care much:

BaltarStar Deniselle 

@jamieoliver You can't hate people for their own good. I wish you and others with influence in the media understood this.

19 seconds ago Favorite Reply Delete

BaltarStar Deniselle 

@jamieoliver Have you considered how your "food revolution" affects fat hate? Eating disorders? Fat shaming?

I know this will blow over, but it angers me how many people are drumming along, as if this is going to change everything.


Anybody else want to do this? If you have Twitter, why don't we start a revolution against the Food Revolution and let Mr Oliver know what we think? He might ignore it, but the more of us talk about it, the more people on Twitter will see what we're about.

My Oh My, Stephen Fry.

I guess the news of Stephen Fry's weight loss are not news to anyone but me. Here's an article from 2009, when he had just lost the weight. I came upon it in his autobiography a few days ago. It's the usual story - gave up sugar and white carbs, feels better exercising more, etc. I'm sure it's what many people would call inspirational. I'm deeply disappointed, though. Fry is a talented person with a lot of life experience, so I just expected a little more of him.

I don't begrudge him the healthier lifestyle, per se. If he feels good living like this, more power to him. Him being fat isn't something I personally rely on. But I thought Fry was an intelligent person who thinks deeply about things. Has he ever stopped to consider the diet culture, the pressures on people? Has he thought of how his fat fans might feel reading this stuff? He even mentions the possibility of penning a diet book. That's just what we need: another celebrity using their status to advertise a diet.

What struck me in his book, and also in this article, is the way he talks about his former body shape. It's the typical dieter's "I was disgusting" narrative. I don't necessarily blame Fry; I blame our culture for creating this as the one and only narrative for a fat person. You realize you're fat and you must do something about it, and then you do it and feel better. Your past self becomes a horrifying thing to look back on, something you will never want to be again. Maybe dieters need this to keep them going, but it's still a slap in the face for those of us who stayed fat.

I'm going to be terribly unprofessional about this, since I don't have the book on hand, and won't quote directly. But what he wrote was along the lines of "I weighed xxx pounds and was comically overweight," "I wept over this thing I had become". He mentions exact pounds and kilograms he weighed back then, implying - and surely expecting his audience to agree - that this kind of weight is unacceptable.

What about all the people who weigh as much, or more? Does he consider them all to be disgusting and unacceptable - or does he assume that no one that fat even reads the book? Does he want to create a distance from them, lift himself into a better category of person? Somehow, I'm sure he doesn't; his tone is that of a private, personal self-loathing. But here's the thing: a fat reader might read that into it, and might feel really alienated from him because of it.

I shouldn't react so angrily, I guess. I've looked in the mirror thinking the same things - what have I become, am I disgustingly fat, how do others see me? But I believe these feelings are something we must fight against. I believe there is no Point of Doing Something About It, there are only bodies of different shapes. The body has a lifespan (well, literally), and it has phases where it's softer and others where it's harder. I think we should treat these phases more gently. Less as "OMG what is this monstrous obesity" and more as "now I'm bigger, and I'm still the same person, and I'm OK".

What would I say to Mr Fry, were I to meet him? Well, I could always tweet him I guess. I probably won't. It's not my place to say, and I don't want to come off as a fanatic, and and. Maybe I should say something though. Maybe I should say: you forgot about your roots. You were one of us, and now you're there saying how disgusting you were. That hurts us. We're already told every day that we are disgusting. We needed more from you.

Scared.

Edit: I recommend that anyone struggling with the same feelings read the comments to this entry. I got so many words of encouragement, it made me feel much more at ease with what's going on. 

It's been a week since I threw out my scale. I've been eating freely, stocking up on food, and I've given up all the rules I was taught about eating. Don't have candy and cookies in the house; don't eat every time you feel like it; don't buy something on an impulse. Above all, don't waste food. I've given up on all of that.

The first few days, I had the feeling of a huge weight lifting off me. I felt like I was floating on air, being accepted for who I was. My mind was free to work on what it wanted to; the thought cycles were gone and I felt free and... alive. But the high has gone out somewhat by now. I think I'm giving into the worries and fears a little bit. A part of me is very impatient to eat "normally" and be thrifty and stop this madness. A part of me thinks this is all bullshit and regrets giving up the scale, because I feel like I've gone too long without and need the reassurance. I miss that feeling of control, even if it never once helped me feel better.

Is it normal that I'm still overeating after a week? My appetite confuses me. I had expected some overindulgence on the first couple of days, but still? I get this urge to eat everything all at once and it feels suffocating to be full and know there are more treats than I can possibly eat. I thought the cravings were supposed to stop. When do they stop? Do I just crave until the day I finally no longer question my right to eat? Or maybe cravings are OK?

I'm quite sure I've gained weight, which makes me, frankly, a little bit miserable. On the plus side, I'm at least less miserable than I used to be, because I don't have a scale to stand on over and over, nor am I staring in the mirror all the time. I'm trying to focus on other things, so my mind is somewhat occupied by other things, and the body shifts out of focus. But there's a great temptation to fall into the pit of "I'm so fat and all I do is eat".


I do worry about gaining weight endlessly until I literally blow up. I know it's probably impossible, and I haven't been able to empty my fridge since I started stocking up.

Should it matter how much weight I gain and how much food I eat? What if I haven't even gained weight? Maybe I'm just imagining it, because I fear losing control. But my pants are tight on me, so I suppose I'm not imagining things. I feel like sending people before and after photos and verifying if I've gained weight, in lieu of having a scale. My preoccupation with how big I actually am is a bit worrying. I may have been deluding myself about it before. Until now, I haven't realized how much I really think about it, like my whole identity comes from my size.

I just feel like my body's slipping from my fingers, falling apart like I'm made of sand. I've lost all control. I'm scared to death.

Calm Down, We Can ALL Be Eating Disordered

Edit: The commenter apologized in the previous post, so you can go read her response there. I think I'll keep the post up, because it's so symptomatic of how people respond to fat people with eating disorders, but there's no ongoing fight or grudge going on here. We all lash out sometimes.

"Anonymous said...
wow you must've looked hilarious buying four chocolate bars. disgusting. Four is so unnecessary. and bullSHIT you have an eating disorder, unless its binge eating. You insult me, and others, who actually fear calories and would be suicidal at a third your size."

This is a comment I got to my previous post, where I discussed throwing out the scale and buying lots of food so I can eat what I want. I did this as a gesture of healing from what I call an eating disorder, although I don't have a diagnosis or more precise name for it. I just feel miserable and guilty about my eating habits, think about my weight all the time, weigh myself too often, get anxiety attacks over fat hate, etc. etc. My friend Robyn, who has suffered from anorexia, was the one to tell me I need to kill it dead. So today, obviously another anorexic tells me I insult her by thinking I have a problem.

I could have deleted it as a flame, but I kept it and responded. It's obviously meant to be both humiliating and insulting - drawing attention to my size, exaggerating it (a third my size? Bwah), using bully tactics, denying my right to name my problem. This tells me the person felt very mad and threatened when she read my post.

As I mentioned, I don't have a diagnosis. That means I'm not taking anyone's bed or place in therapy. I'm naming my problem and fighting against it, with the help of my boyfriend and closest friends. If I saw a doctor and told them everything I told Robyn, they may diagnose me, or they may just conclude that I need to eat less. Even if a doctor gave me a diagnosis, I probably couldn't expect for a lot of sympathy or support in healing; a lot of people would question the diagnosis and whether it's "a real eating disorder". Atypical eating disorders - or even binge eating disorder/compulsive eating - are very little known and there's very little help available. And OK, let's say I technically don't have an eating disorder (yet); it's still a serious problem that I have these thought patterns and guilt feelings. I need to ease my pressure or it will really depress me. In fact, I'm already on antidepressants.

Here's the big question: Why should it INSULT someone if I think I have an eating disorder? It helps me conceptualize the problem and be determined to change it. If I need to see the problem as a separate creature that I need to destroy, what's it to you?

I've thought of it a lot and here's my conclusion: the commenter is angry because she does not want to be lumped together with a fatty. If a fat person can have an eating disorder, then the concept of eating disorders is tarnished with fat and gluttony, and it makes her anorexia look like a joke. This is sad, but it's just the eating disorder speaking. My disorder is different in nature, but it has similar thought patterns. For instance, I was pretty angry at first when I read about HAES and fat people who exercise. "They're bringing the slim world's antics into the fat world! It will be tainted!" It's really just the same thing turned around.

The sad part is, this would pretty much be my parents' reaction, without the whole "you insult me because I have a REAL problem". I had bulimia symptoms at ages 15 and 18; both times, my mother told me I do not have an eating disorder and I need to stop dramatizing. "We all binge," she said, as if our family sits around eating until we throw up. This is pretty much how our culture deals with a fat girl who feels she has a problem. In a way, fat people are seen as unhealthy; in another way, we're seen as "healthy", as in "you look healthy". If you look healthy, how can you be sick inside?

Of course, I share this problem with all the normalweight people with eating disorders. If you're not critically skinny, people will usually not see you as sick. Normalweight is the ideal, so how could someone at that size be sick? As an added bonus, a fat person is expected to think and behave in eating disordered ways. We should be counting the calories of every bite. We should be overexercising. We should hate our bodies and consider them unattractive. It's understandable if we sit around thinking about the weight all the time; that just means we have a problem and have to do something about it.

It's sad that sometimes, people who could understand and support each other are unable to do so, because the disorder does just that. Robyn isn't controlled by her disorder anymore, so she can see we're not that different. In this comment above, I just see the disorder creature spitting and growling at me. I recognize its hideous face. That's why it's hard to be mad at the commenter, even if her words did hurt; I'm still vulnerable and ashamed of myself. But it helps to know where it's coming from.

These are complex issues and it's always hard to talk about such a topic without someone else's pain crashing into your own. I hope everyone struggling with eating disorders, diagnosed or unrecognized, will get help and support from someone.

I Am Awesome!

I THREW OUT MY SCALE LIKE A BOSS!!!

I threw out that motherfucking death machine in an act of guerilla warfare.
...Um, Robyn suggested looking at it in war terms, because fighting against an eating disorder is like facing a war machine.

So I did it. It was really hard. I was scared and angry. I shook and felt sick and coddled the scale to my chest before throwing it out. But I was able to do it.

For the first time in 14 years, I feel like I'm on top of the weight anxiety. I'm controlling it, it's not controlling me.

I've never had a diagnosis and I still don't. I don't know if I technically fill the requirements of an eating disorder. But as Robyn said, "Do you need a diagnosis to know you feel terrible about eating, which you need to do to live?"
I guess I don't.

I just needed someone's permission to throw out the scale, because people don't usually acknowledge that a fat girl could have an eating disorder. That it might be better to NOT watch your weight and what you eat.
That maybe sometimes, what a fat girl needs is MORE FREEDOM and less guilt, not the other way around.

So I went to the store today, like a boss, and I bought two packs of Ben&Jerry's Coconutterly Fair. I bought marshmallows, four chocolate bars, a frozen pizza, mayonnaise and white bread, Parmese ham, chicken Kiev with blue cheese potatoes. I'm just going to try the "Fat is a Feminist Issue" method: eating exactly what I feel like, stocking up food home so it's always available when I crave it. Just eating.

There's one rule though: no guilt. Food disappears once it goes in my mouth. No contemplating afterwards on how many calories, what I should ahve eaten instead, whether I've had too many treats on that day. No thoughts on good and bad foods. JUST EATING.
Like a boss.