My Oh My, Stephen Fry. Part 2

I've been thinking about what I wrote on Stephen Fry's self-loathing. Was I too harsh on him?
What did I feel when I once "managed" to lose 30 pounds?

I remember thinking that I used to be horribly fat (the size I am now, or a bit smaller). I had been yanked away from the edge of a precipice. I was going to fall, but at the last minute, I was saved. Still healthy, still able to make the changes, still young; I did not have diabetes or heart disease yet, and I was not irredeemably fat yet.

Did I despise other fat people? No. I just hadn't ever considered that someone as fat as I was could possibly be happy. It didn't enter into my mind, because for me - or so I told myself - my fat was a source of misery. My eating was terrible. I felt guilty and tired and ashamed. All I did was eat candy the whole time. I never exercised. I was lazy and greedy.

And yet, with all this in my head still, I thought I was "fat acceptant". I wasn't yet involved in the blogosphere - this was in 2002-03 or so. I was annoyed when fat people would say that you can be fat and healthy; I thought it's clear as day that fat causes disease, and I was surely just about to get something. I really thought that if you weigh 200 pounds, or anywhere near it, you would get sick, end of story. It was inevitable.

It wasn't fat hate, per se; it was ignorance. Ignorance and fear of my own body and my own appetite; fear of people hating me, although my mind dressed it up as fear for my health. Quite soon, I would open my mind to fat acceptance and it would blow all my old ideas away.

So what of Mr Fry? I don't know, because I don't know him. Someone pointed out that he regained the weight recently, which doesn't surprise me, but also doesn't erase what he said before. He might be back to thinking he's bloated and horrible. Or maybe he has learned something about dieting? He would be a powerful ally to the fat acceptance movement, because he's been very vocal about gay rights and many other issues. He is an intelligent person that a lot of people listen to. That's why I wish he could join us. But it takes a powerful personal revelation to come into fat acceptance, and some people never find it. I don't judge Mr Fry for hating his body; I hate mine, it's part of our culture and, as some people mentioned, particularly lucrative for depressive people. (I suffer from depression myself, so I know something about that self-loathing and self-blame.) So perhaps I was too harsh. But I stand by my disappointment.

Does my regain and change of ideas erase what I thought before? Maybe not erase - but I hope they redeem it. I was young and dumb, a recent weight-loser; I felt like I had to believe that what I did was worth it. I wanted to create a gap between my old and new self (or, as I saw it, my original self and the fat self that wasn't really me). I don't judge myself either, in hindsight; I had gained weight very fast, had a lot of pressure to change, and was eating disordered, even if I didn't realize it then. I could easily have become bulimic (I had some urges to purge), or I could have got slim and fought hard to stay there. But I'm glad I didn't.

It's strange, the mind space of the recently dieted. I thought I had come to my senses, but I was really living in a bubble. A bubble that would soon burst when I realized the only benefits of being 30 pounds later were my Mom's constant praise - which got on my nerves - and a slightly enhanced ability to climb up stairs. I still got the flu, I still felt tired at times, and in addition, I felt guilty for eating something good and worried about regaining the weight. I soon figured out this wasn't worth it.

I found my way to an acceptance - even if I still struggle, and maybe you're never quite there. I can only hope Mr Fry also finds it. If not, well, he's only human. Maybe he'll never join us, but I hope for his sake that he learns to look in the mirror without hate and shame.