My therapist told me to think of eating from my OWN values, not from what the doctor says, because doctors only think of the health hazards. It makes me think, but I'm not sure what my values really are.
For a while there, I was happy to be losing a little weight, but I feel the old obsession coming on, and I don't know if I can lose weight, and be happy about weight loss, without the counterweight of hating my body when I do not lose. Also, part of me isn't sure if I want to lose weight anyway.
I want to be healthy. Who doesn't? I also don't want to do what experts tell me to do, just because they're experts. Some experts will disagree; some facts are not so indisputable.
But even if they were - would it be OK to choose to take the risks? Yes, according to my values it would. The question is: do I want to do it?
I have a feeling deep down that I've never been able to explain. I had this feeling before I got fat in the first place. It's that I'm meant to be fat, and this is how I am at my most happiest. Part of this might or might not be overeating.
What does that mean? Is it a real thing or just a feeling? Is there a core in me that wants to be fat, and if so, why? Does God want me to be fat? Or do I want to be fat and just make that happen by eating in that way?
These are possibly questions I shouldn't be asking yet, before I've figured out who I want to be in general. I'm just throwing this out there.
